|Who is this?|
SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED
by Jo Michelmore
What a crap week for Australian fans of Madonna. First we wait in anticipation for her 2013 tour dates to be announced, then she tells us to work all year to save money to come and see her show, then she cancels any plans to play any shows in Australia. What’s going on Madge? Is this just another dull publicity stunt and you’ll announce dates later in the year? Have you realised your latest album isn’t the greatest and you can’t be bothered making your way to the southern hemisphere to promote something you know doesn’t really deserve much promotion? Is it all a bit more tiring than it used to be and you need a cup of tea and a nap? You are getting on, after all. Those fingerless gloves aren’t hiding anything. We know how old you are. You know what Madonna? It’s Vintage Thursday time and even though I thought I might focus on how fabulous you are, this week you’ve pissed me off. So, instead, let’s focus on some other divas of the past. Until next week, when I hear some song I love from American Life or Bedtime Stories or even that Ray Of Light and remember how much I liked you again. Until then Madonna, you suck.
Marilyn Monroe - Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend, 1953
Madonna. The 1950’s were the decade you were born. Then there was Marilyn. Beautiful, intelligent, controversial, sexy, icon of fabulousness (Madonna only gets three of those things, you decide which). There’s nothing to be said that hasn’t already been said about Marilyn. Madonna’s been paying tribute/completely copying her for years. Madonna does ok, but Marilyn, there’s just something, there’s a reason you became the absolute star you were and your memory continues to be today. You had it, that quality that can’t be learnt. Madonna’s still trying.
Aretha Franklin - Respect, 1965
Madonna, the 60’s, when you were a girl, while you were prancing around your school grounds demanding attention from whoever you could get it from, Aretha Franklin was getting the attention and rightly so. Queen of soul, gospel, R&B, funk, any genre you can be bothered thinking of; Aretha has done it and done it well. Probably her most famous song, ‘Respect’ is something Madonna should learn a little about, because as they say, respect is earned, not demanded Madge. That’s something you’re still trying to figure out, isn’t it?
Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac) - Landslide, 1975
Madonna; the 70’s being your formative teenage years, you could have been influenced by some incredible artists. Who did you like? Whose posters did you have on your wall? I could have picked numerous amazing artists from the 70’s, but I’ve chosen this one, for numerous reasons. Stevie Nicks, what an incredible songwriter. Madonna, you could have learnt a thing or two from Stevie. I mean, you know, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with “erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body”, but it’s not exactly inspiring is it? I mean, you’ve even worked with songwriters who’ve worked with Stevie Nicks, but you didn’t like the songs you wrote with them. Sigh. You could have been a contender for something amazing like this Madonna, if only you stopped trying to confront and offend everyone and had a sit down for a minute. Oh well. (Also, any excuse to feature Stevie Nicks is taken on Vintage Thursday, what of it?)
Annie Lennox (Eurythmics) - Who’s That Girl, 1983
Oh Madonna, the 80’s, where things all started to come together for you. Realising your dream of becoming the musical pop superstar you are today, this is where it all started. Let’s look at someone who did it all a little differently, Annie Lennox. She was in the Eurythmics and they had this song called Who’s That Girl in 1983, then you wrote your own, four years later, except yours wasn’t half as good as Annie’s. Not even HALF as good. Annie Lennox had a powerful voice, a powerful presence and you know what? She still has all this without looking like she was trying. That’s just the way she is. That’s just Annie. You’re still trying to be all of those things and you’re still looking like you’re trying. Keep practising Madonna, one day, maybe.
Shirley Manson (Garbage) - Special, 1998
Madonna, I’m going to admit it, you were great in the late 90’s, but you know what? All that blah-blah-sex-book-erotica-controversy-blah-sadomasochism-bondage-blah-blah from the early 90’s; that was kind of boring. It was dull then, so imagine how passé it is to think of it now. Blurgh. You know who was an incredibly strong woman and who oozed sex appeal in the 90’s? Shirley Manson did. She was hot, she was angry, she was strong and simultaneously introverted, she had complete confidence without being arrogant, she could rock as well as pop and beside all of that, she was Scottish. Which is so much closer to England than the US, and we all know how you had that weird obsession with being English for a while there Madge. It was a bit odd. (Also, any excuse to feature Shirley Manson is taken on Vintage Thursday, what of it?)
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance, 2009
Which brings us to the 2000’s, Madonna. You know, you’re still doing your thing, which is fine, but you should know, so are other people. Other pop stars are singing and dancing their little hearts out and rather than just using them to try and boost your own flailing career, maybe you should give them some credit for being as good as, if not better than you were. Gaga is completely woven from the book of Madonna, she’s doing everything you did years ago, and she’s doing it all again. You know what though Madge? She’s got one thing you haven’t. She’s got 28 years on you. Yep.