Thursday, 5 July 2012

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

Yeah, no... this doesn't happen. Ever.

by Jo Michelmore

Some people love it, some people hate it, every now and then, someone writes a song about it. It’s so romantic and thought provoking and depressing or something, after all. Me? I think it’s alright, sometimes. Except when it ruins some of my favourite shoes or when it makes my hair curly, when I’m totally trying to rock a straight style. Someone should write a song about that. That’s annoying. Yeah. Ok, I’m going to be busy for a few minutes; I’ve got to write a pop song. In the meantime, whole bunches of other people have written songs about it so here you go; songs about rain.

Walkin’ In The Rain – The Ronettes
, 1964

Look, you should just accept it. If there’s an opportunity to play something by either The Supremes, or The Marvelettes or any other number of Motown acts that names start with ‘the’, I’m going to feature them. This time, The Ronettes. Phil Spector’s beautiful protégés, their harmonies were phenomenal, but that Phil, he was always a bit of a weird guy, wasn’t he? Have you listened to these lyrics? “I want him, I need him and someday someway I’ll meet him” What Phil? Is this a stalker song? Does this person exist or only in your mind? “When he's near me, I'll kiss him, and when he leaves me I'll miss him.” Kiss who? Miss who? He doesn’t exist! Oh this is weird, like so many of The Ronettes songs. Thankfully their voices were so sweet no one seemed to notice. Maybe someone should have noticed and then things wouldn’t have got so bad for Mr Spector. Maybe you should have taken more walks in the rain Phil; they might have cleared your mind. Oh well, only tiny short walks for you now, around and around in circles.

Fool In The Rain – Led Zeppelin, 1974

I suppose they were bound to appear at some stage, being vintage songs and all, but I wasn’t thinking they were going to appear with this song. Not that I would have featured 'Stairway To Heaven' at any stage. That one, just, uuuurgh. Shame, it’s a brilliant song. Just boring. Anyway, as usual, I digress. Led Zeppelin, congratulations, this has to be one of the most ridiculous stories in a song, ever. Some guy, waiting for his girl, begging her to show up, declaring his love and getting more and more depressed with every minute she’s not there, only to realise he’s standing on the wrong street corner at the end of the song. What? Is this a sitcom? Is your girlfriend a prostitute? What’s going on here Page? Plant? Jones? Anyone? This song wouldn’t be written now, would it? You’d just check Google maps and send a text when she didn’t show up and everything would be fine. How did anyone survive the 70’s? Fool in the rain? You should have invented the mobile phone 70’s people and things wouldn’t be so dramatic. Fools, all of you.

Blame It On The Rain – Milli Vanilli, 1989

We all know a vintage post about vintage rain songs couldn’t exclude one of the best/most hilarious/worst rain songs ever. Milli Vanilli. They were so controversial at the time and not for their horrible hair. The thing is, Milli and Vanilli (not their real names) were the ‘pretty’ faces chosen to lip synch songs actually sung by someone else. Except they pretended they were singing. Get it? Milli Vanilli did some dance moves, mimed and pretended they could sing. If only autotune was invented in the late 80’s, Milli Vanilli could have just mimed their own voices. Also, if these two were the pretty ones, how horrid were the actual people who sung these songs? Things were really weird in the late 80’s weren’t they?

Rain – Madonna, 1992

Right, let’s just be clear from the beginning. This is probably my favourite Madonna song, therefore, probably my favourite song about rain. Got it? Good. This song is the one that inspired this whole thing about vintage songs about rain. Any excuse to listen to this song. I’ve listened to it three times in a row, while pretending to write something about it. Instead, I just keep getting lost in that little weird bit in the middle which is impossible to talk along to because I can’t ever seem to decide which bit to be and then I can’t stop singing those fabulous repeating last lines; “I feel it, it’s coming, your loves coming down like, rain…” Sorry, just excuse me while I go and press play, again.

It’s Raining Men – Geri Halliwell, 2001

You seriously didn’t expect a bunch of songs about rain that didn’t feature this song, did you? Come on, really? It was just a matter of which version wasn’t it? Well, I couldn’t leave Milli Vanilli out of the 80’s, when this song was originally recorded by The Weather Girls, so Geri gets included this time for the 00’s. Seriously, I don’t care if you’re a girl who likes boys, a boy who likes boys, a girl who likes girls or a boy who likes girls or you’re just a jerk who doesn’t like anyone, or a combination of any of them, everyone knows the words to this song, don’t pretend you don’t. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not actually likely to happen any time soon anyway, is it? I’ve always thought this was a little silly, how could it actually rain men and wouldn’t it be a little dangerous? Can meteorologists tell you if they’re attractive men or are they just average badly dressed men? I’m not bothering to go out if they’re all wearing shorts and no shoes, alright? If the weather is ever forecast to rain men at “just about half past ten” I suggest you get inside, it’ll be dangerous on the streets. You could be squashed by a man falling from the sky and you’re taking a gamble as to whether they’ll be attractive or not. I suggest staying inside and venturing out later to pick the best, but you'll have to fight me for them. Just saying.

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