Thursday, 9 August 2012

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Imma Let You Finish Watching The Olympics, But...

And then this happened...

Imma Let You Finish Watching The Olympics, But...
Here Are Some Songs I'd Rather Listen To Than Watch The Olympics
by Jo Michelmore

There’s this event happening at the moment, you might have heard something about it. They call it the Olympics. I know, I know, they’ve been going for thousands of years, tradition, sports-person-ship, medals, blah blah blah. I don’t mean to be the negative one, and I don’t want to be a hater, but you know what? Right now, I hate the Olympics. I can’t think of much more boring than the Olympics. A whole bunch of sports I’d never watch, a whole bunch of people I’ve never heard of running around tracks, throwing things, swinging things, jumping on things, jumping into things, jumping over things, peddling things; the list goes on and on and I haven’t even mentioned my two least favourite things about the Olympics, the opening and closing ceremonies. They’re like embarrassing school plays that go on for hours, that you’re forced to sit through, to see a glimpse of something slightly entertaining which never, ever eventuates. They. Are. So. Boring. SO. BORING. See, I even capitalised that. There’s another thing I hate about the Olympics. The incredibly dreary and tiresome songs that come with the Olympics. This year? It’s something to do with Gary Barlow, because the host of this year’s Olympics, England, had to justify giving him an OBE, I suppose. What’s this all got to do with vintage music? This week, in celebration of our 1000th post and the most boring event of the last four years, I nominate the worst songs I’d rather listen to 1000 times than have to watch any more of the Olympics. They’re quite bad and just a small indicator of how much I dislike Olympics time. Thankfully, it's only once every four years.

Don McLean - American Pie (1971)

It’s a running joke amongst people who know me that I dislike this song. I’ve got news for them. It’s not a joke. I dislike this song. It’s just so damn boring. There are all sorts of rumours/thoughts/speculation about what the actual subject matter is, with the most popular belief that it’s about the tragic death of American clean cut singer Buddy Holly in 1959. Maybe it is about that, but I can’t ever get past the first minute to care enough to find out. This song goes for Eight minutes! Eight minutes! Yes, you read that correctly. This boring piece of snore goes for eight minutes. If I listened to that 1000 times I would be listening for about five and half days. That’s twelve days less than the Olympics run for. I still win.

Phil Collins - Groovy Kind of Love (1988)

“When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do, is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue”. This is possibly the worst opening line to a pop song, ever. Read it again. I shouldn’t have to explain why. When you’re feeling blue, Phil, how about having a beverage and getting over it? Don’t bother us with your ridiculous, soppy and ultimately vomit worthy, boring existence. Unless you’re saving me from watching the Olympics. Then I guess I’ll put up with your moods, but only then, that's once every four years.

Dannii Minogue - Love and Kisses (1990)

There’s a reason Dannii is our ‘one head’ for pop music when we review songs here at itsmykindofscene. Why? Because Dannii was crap. This is pop music at its worst; wishy-washy, completely manufactured synth pop. It’s just insipid, completely uninspiring and mind numbing and not in a good way. Dannii, your pop music career was shit. There, I’ve said it. It’s the facts. However, if I got to watch the clip while listening to your song 1000 times, than yes, I’d do that rather than watch the Olympics. After all, with the current 90’s fashion revival, those pants and that fringing is totes hot right now

Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around (1994)

“I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes” could be the worst opening line to a song, ever, if I’d never heard ‘Groovy Kind Of Love’, but wait! If you can force yourself to listen to more, it only gets worse from there. I’m even finding it difficult to write about this song, it’s just so incredibly dull. Which is funny, because it came from the soundtrack to Four Weddings And A Funeral, which, from what I remember, wasn’t the worst movie ever made. It was quite popular for a bit there, even if it did have Hugh Grant in it, who is possibly one of the most dull actors to be born in England, let alone anywhere else in the world. I find the Olympics so boring, yes, I would listen to this song 1000 times over rather than watch 1000 minutes of the Olympics.

Nickelback – anything by Nickelback, ever

Is there any band more bland than Nickelback*? Yep, I heard you pause there. (I know, you all thought Coldplay, but then remembered ‘Yellow’ didn’t you? One song saved them.) One giant collective pause, because no one can think of a band more boring. There’s only one thing more boring than Nickelback, that’s the Olympics, including opening and closing ceremonies. In order to save me from having to watch either of those, I’d listen to any Nickelback song 1000 times over. Yep.

*There are possibly bands more boring than Nickelback. They may feature another time. Be prepared.

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