Thursday, 16 August 2012

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - It Don't Make Sense (You Can't Make Peace)

TELL ME WHY... anyone ever thinks it's a good idea to bleach your hair and trim your goatee like that?

It Don't Make Sense (You Can't Make Peace)
by Jo Michelmore

Let’s be clear about this from the beginning. I’m not saying some of these songs aren’t great. I’m not saying they’re not pop or rock or dance or hip hop or (insert genre here) amazing, I’m just saying they’re a bit silly. Sometimes, they make no sense and/or they’re just plain annoying. Even though I am aware that music is not just about the lyrics, it’s also about the melody, you should know, I do like lyrics. So, this Vintage Thursday, I present part one of what I suspect will become a semi-regular feature of Vintage Thursdays; questionable songs with questionable lyrics, possibly about questionable things and often containing questionable grammar, pronunciation or other silly things. That’s a long title, so rather than try and name this myself, I’ll take suggestions on the itsmykindofscene facebook page as to what it should be called. Right now, I’m too exhausted from trying to make sense of all these questionable songs….

Light My Fire – The Doors, 1967

We’re going to start with something simple. Anyone who has read anything I’ve written will know I’m not a professor of the English language, I’m not an English teacher, I don’t know all, but I do like words. I’m a little, tiny bit of a word nerd and there are some basics which should be met. Those basics include correct use of plurals, correct spelling and correct use of tense. Jim Morrison had a lot of things to fit into his short but impressive life and apparently the correct use of past and present tense wasn’t one of the things he had time for. “If I WAS to say to you, come on baby light my fire.” Jim, that’s incorrect and kind of annoying. Your sexy rock god type persona didn’t make up for your lack of English skills. If I WERE to say to you; that wouldn’t have made that much difference to your lyric, would it? Couldn’t someone have just fixed that one mistake? Apparently not.

Money For Nothing Dire Straits, 1985

Who has ever sung along to the lines “we gotta install microwave ovens, custom kitchen deliveries” and thought that was normal? Like, how many people are actually removalists who have the right to sing those words? That can’t be a huge industry, can it? Kitchen removalist? Way to write a song about a boring job, Knopfler, not to mention your more than slightly homophobic lyrics later on. Weird and wrong, just weird and wrong.

I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight – Cutting Crew, 1986

…but the thing is, you didn’t, did you? If you did, how are you singing this song and how are you playing that terribly 80’s sounding guitar riff and how do you explain that hair? Oh, wait, what? This song is a metaphor for sex? There’s possibly something wrong with the way you’re doing things if you’re dying every time you have sex. You need to see someone about that.

Informer – Snow, 1992

“Informer, you no say Daddy me Snow me I'll go blame a leaky boom boom down.” Don’t make me say anymore.

I Want It That Way – Backstreet Boys, 1999

What do you want Backstreet Boys? I mean, everyone knows that Nick Carter guy just wants some crack, but the rest of you? “Believe me when I say, I want it that way” followed not long after by; “I never wanna hear you say, I want it that way.” What are you saying? Whatever is it that you want and why can’t anyone else want it? That doesn’t sound very fair to me. You want it that way but whoever you are singing to isn’t allowed to want it that way? That’s just mean. You want your cake and to eat it to? I saw you boys live a few months ago and let me say; you’ve all had enough cake for a little while. Less cake, more gym.

Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls, 2005

See, the thing is this. I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not into girls, as a general rule, in that way. I like boys. I have BOYfriends. So, no, actually, I don’t wish my girlfriend was hot, like you, because I don’t have a girlfriend. Nicole Scherzinblahblah, whatever your name is and your pussycat dolls too, stop asking me stupid questions. Idiots.

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