Wednesday, 8 August 2012

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades

That's hot? No. No it's not.

The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades
aka Take Off Those Sunglasses, Fool!
by Katie Langley

It hurts me a little bit to say this, but my ex-boyfriend was right about one thing. There are only two kinds of people who wear sunglasses indoors – (1) the blind and (2) arseholes. And he should know! He was guilty of said crime and he was certainly not blind.

Have you noticed how many musicians wear sunglasses in video clips these days? Either there’s a hell of a lot of glaucoma going on that I’m not aware of, or, more likely, these people are arseholes. Yep, I’m calling them out.

Of course, there are some culprits, such as Snoop Lion (the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg), who fit into a special 3rd category. For these artists the time is always 4:20, so they’re always hidden away behind their shades, dropping in “Clear Eyes” when the opportunity strikes.

Offender #1: Flo Rida

Offences: 'Low,' 'Right Round,' and 'Whistle.'
Exception: 'Wild Ones.' Okay, so he was outdoors and it was sunny. I can’t hate on someone for being sun safe. Slip slop slap! Although, Flo Rida, you really could’ve done with a long-sleeved shirt and wide-brimmed hat. Think of the kids, won’t you?

Offender #2: Bono

Offences: Being Bono.
Exception: No. Nill. Zip. Nada.

Offender #3: Taio Cruz

Offences: 'Dirty Picture,' 'Dynamite,' and 'Break Your Heart.' 
Exception: 'Hangover.' Hell, we’ve all been there before – hiding from the light under your doona, Berocca on the ready, fangin’ for some KFC. I’ll let you off this time Taio Cruz, but maybe next time you should try to slip in a glass of water between shots.

Offender #4: Kanye West

Offences: 'Gold Digger,' 'Stronger,' and introducing the world to those ridiculous glasses with bars across the lenses. Why, Kanye, why? Is it because you have absolutely no gangsta street cred and wearing these glasses makes you feel a little bit tougher ‘cos it’s like you’re looking out of a jail cell?

Clearly, these indoor sunglass wearing musicians think that their future is bright. Me? Well, if anyone can provide me with medical reasons as to why they’re committing this crime then I will recant my comments (except the comments about Bono). Until then, they’re all arseholes, the lot of them. #justsayin’


  1. I'd just like to add that our mate Taio wrote 'hangover' even though he doesn't drink... I find that sacrilegious....!

  2. ️️Bono has glaucoma.....


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