Tuesday, 18 September 2012

10 and 1 - Put Your Paws Up If You Beliebe

Stacey and Tiffany would regret their new tattoos in the years to come...

So you want to be a pop superstar (and live large)? Unless you can come up with some snazzy/incredibly lame name for your stalkers fans, you're not going to get very far. Every singing sensation and their miniature schnauzer has come up with a moniker for their supporters that binds their obsession for their larger than life overlords into a movement that the casual YouTube comment skimmer will either find hilarious or annoying. "You're not a real Directioner, you're just a stupid Belieber! You'll never love One Direction like I do, you'll never KNOW them like I do." I see.

Making the mistake of listening to Nova the other day, I had the pleasure of listening to Cher Lloyd explain why her fans are called Brats. Alright, I wasn't really listening to what she was saying. I briefly asked myself, "who is this Cher Lloyd and why would anyone want to be her Brat?" before thinking of all the other farmies (fan armies) running around the internets. Deciding this list would make an excellent 10 and 1, I give you the ten worst named groups of obsessed-crazy-Misery-esque fans and the one group that is perfectly named. Enjoy!

THE 10:

Little Monsters
of Lady Gaga

Put your paws up if you're a Little Monster! You can blame the modern trend of naming your fans on the 'Mother Monster' herself, Lady Gaga. Yes, there have been Fanilows (amazing), Phans, The KISS Army and more, but things were a bit quiet on the fan base front until LGG started referring to her followers as tiny freaks. Little Monsters worship Gaga as a deity. They're vicious when attacked and will defend their leader with their lives. Unless you're wearing your meat suit, avoid at all costs. Do not mention the name Madonna around them. They really don't like that old hag. What? Why would you think I'm a Little Monster? 

of Beyonce

We get it. Your name is Beyonce and you can work that into so many different things. Like how you called your album B'Day. That's classic, but you should have really made it Bey'Day, just so everyone knew it was definitely a Beyonce album. Wouldn't want anyone to be mistaken now would we? Beyontourage just wasn't working for Knowles, so she went with BeyHive. If you're a member of the group (you lucky devil you), you will be known as a Bey. Don't think that sounds like Bay. It's Bee. But it's spelt Bey. Get it? Because her name is Beyonce. Not Bayonce. It's like Beeyonce. Understand? You don't want to understand? That makes you a WASP! You will now be stung by the Beys for you are a hater! 

of Katy Perry

Taken from Urban Dictionary:

"The massive followers of Katy Perry. They would take a bullet for her. You can find them on twitter, the Katy Perry forum or wherever Katy Perry is. 

What the f**k is up with that chick, she's crying?
Katy Perry just tweeted her. She's obviously a Katy Cat."

She obviously needs help.   

of Mariah Carey

You are not even trying, Mariah! See what Beyonce and Katy Perry are doing up there? You could have the Care-Bears or the Ca-rey-zeys or the Mariah Pariahs or the... Lambs. Are you some sort of shepherd, tending to your flock. Caring for them, raising them... and then slaughtering them? No. No you are not. Go with the Mariah Pariahs. 

of... seriously?

The thing about the 'RihannaNavy' is, it just makes me think of Battleship. No one should ever have to think about Battleship. Rihanna should not be encouraging people to think about Battleship

Battleship sucked so bad. 

of Garbage

Garbage in a 'worst of' list? Doing this makes me feel dirty... it's just not right. Shirley, we need to have a talk. Each and every time you address your fans as 'Darklings' in a Facebook status, I cringe. Part of me might even die a little. 'Darklings' makes me think of some tiny woodland race of witches from a 1980s Sci-Fi book that I'm never going to read because a) the story is going to be so very, very boring and b) it has tiny woodland witches that call themselves 'Darklings.' I know, you can't just go around calling your fans 'Garbage Bins,' but in all honesty, addressing your fans in this manner at all seems so... un-Garbage. 

Team Breezy
of Chris Brown

There's just not enough time in the day... 

Killer Lovers
of Nicole Scherzinger

Those who get kicked off X-Factor judging panels shall not be naming their fan base. I'm pretty sure that's an official rule for popstars. Really though, Scherzinger doesn't come close to the (solo) level of popularity everyone else on this list has mustered. And how would you feel about responding to a question regarding social groups you're a member of? "I'm a Killer Lover." Application denied. 

Little Soldiers
of Cheryl Cole

See Scherzinger, Nicole. 

Barbies and Kens
of Nicki Minaj

Some say cute, I say a missed opportunity to call her fans Minjes. 


The Ten Club
of Pearl Jam

Some acts earn a huge following through their music and over time, this following naturally evolves into a dedicated (and not crazy) fan club that is genuinely loved by the artist/s that their fans love. The Ten Club is one of the best examples and they've got the perfect name going too. These are the kind of fan bases you want to see more of and be a part of!

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