Thursday, 27 September 2012

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Baby, I Go Crazy

Britney: The Queen... of the pop-star meltdown?

Baby, I Go Crazy
by Jo Michelmore

Hey! Hi! How are you? So, I’ve been gone for a week or so; yeah, you missed me didn’t you? Where have I been, you ask. Perhaps I was off gallivanting across continents in search of the greatest ice cream known to humanity. Maybe I was on an island sunning my pale Irish skin. Perhaps I was in a bar somewhere, listening to some amazing bands you don’t know yet with Johnny Depp serving me drinks (we’ve already discussed this, Johnny appears in all my fantasies. Shut up.) Maybe I was checked into that sex addiction clinic somewhere in central USA (we’ve already discussed this, I always end up in a treatment facility in Matt’s alternate world. Don’t ask.) Maybe I had a complete breakdown and couldn’t cope with the pressures of all the free stuff and the fame and fortune that comes with writing for It’s My Kind Of Scene. Maybe I spent a week wandering the streets looking for the world’s greatest handbag but discovered crack cocaine instead. What? No, I’m not Courtney Love, but maybe I had a breakdown like Courtney seems to have perfected the art of having. She’s good at ‘em. No, I haven’t had one, yet. I just didn’t write for a week, alright? Why are you hassling me? No, everything’s fine. Yeah, it’s fine I tell you. Stop telling me how to live my life! No, I don’t need anything. I don’t need to talk. Don’t look at me. Shut up. Yes, I do love Minaj AND Pearl Jam at the same time, alright? Leave me alone! Leave Britney alone! What? See, wouldn’t it be great to just snap one day? Sometimes I fantasise about the complete breakdown. Who wouldn’t love to swear lots, tell everyone where to go and throw something on the floor, out the window, off a balcony. I’ve gotten close.

Maybe I should take some p’s and q’s from the book of Jim Morrison from The Doors, who had one of my favourite meltdowns. At a gig, in 1969, in front of an audience of almost 14,000 people he cracked it, in more ways than one. He sang randomly, chatted to the audience, “Maybe you love getting your face stuck in the shit.....You're all a bunch of slaves…..What are you gonna do about it?” and when an audience member jumped on stage and doused him in champagne (who doesn’t want to be doused in champagne?) he started stripping while screaming “You didn't come here for music did you? You came for something more, didn't you? You didn't come to rock'n'roll, you came for something else didn't you….WHAT IS IT? You want to see my cock, don't you?" Now, I don’t know how many people went to that gig to see Jim Morrison’s cock, but you know, if a rock star is going to show you, you’re not going to turn away are you?

As I don’t actually have a cock, that’s probably a meltdown I’m not going to have. Maybe I should read the book of Mariah Carey, who went all a bit weird on us in 2001. You know, things must be tough for Mariah, she’s got all that cleavage to carry around all day, she’s got all those high notes to hit, life is hard for a celeb. She made a surprise appearance on an MTV show TRL, handed out popsicles, giggled a lot and made very little sense, proceeded to do a weird non-stripping-strip tease in front of the host and said things like “I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows”. See, that’s kind of a cute melty-downy-wowny isn’t it? Turns out she just needed a nap. That’s kind of pathetic actually, not a breakdown to be proud of.

Where I need to be looking for inspiration is the 90’s isn’t it? Oasis were the masters of the meltdown, I even witnessed one once (Liam Gallagher, making my live music dreams come true by storming off stage and re-appearing coked up 30 minutes later. You rule.) Bjork smashed journalists at airports across the planet, Notorious BIG threw bottles at anyone he had a chance to and Courtney, well, sometimes I wonder if she’s famous for anything other than the breakdown. My very favourite 90’s breakdown though, and one I can learn much from is the Axl Rose breakdown. About thirty minutes into a gig, Axl spotted someone in the front row with a camera, which apparently he didn’t like much (how would he cope today with a bazillion phones filming everything all the time?!). He screamed at security to take the camera from the fan and when they didn’t he said; “Then I'll take it from him”, jumped into the crowd, punched some guy in the face, took his camera and then got back on stage to say “Due to the lame ass security, I'm going home! We’re outta here” and he preceded to throw his mic on the stage and stomped off, much like a toddler. Brilliant Axl, just brilliant. Silly, a little pathetic and very dramatic, that’s brilliant Axl. (I would throw a tantrum if I was wearing those white shorts too, so I understand).

The 00’s must have been a hard time. With so many musicians cracking all the time; it’s hard to pick the best. That guy from The Vines calling his audience sheep and “baa-ing” at them, Billy Corgan inviting a fan on stage and then telling him he liked the song he wrote; “Take Your Dick Out Of My Ass And Stick It In My Mouth.’ It was a big hit in Europe.” Good one Billy.


Ashlee Simpson lip synching on SNL and then blaming her band for it (not cool Ashlee, but then, you’d know all about not cool), Courtney cracking, all the time, on stage, off stage, backstage, behind stage, under stage, every time a camera was on her, off her, around her (yes that is a weight joke); Ryan Adams who had enough of the ‘Bryan Adams’ joke and jumped into his audience, confronted a heckler who asked him to sing ‘Summer OF 69’ and gave him $28 to cover the cost of the ticket, before throwing him out; I haven’t even mentioned Britney yet, but my personal favourite? Kanye. Kanye just flipping out backstage at the MTV VMA’s. It involves a heap of cursing, Britney Spears and “give a man a chance, man.” Oh Kanye. You loser, I love you. That’s the way I want to meltdown, for sure. That’s my favourite.

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