Wednesday, 5 September 2012

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Birthdays and Beards

The Beards: Katie would. Would you?

Birthdays and Beards
by Katie Langley

It’s my birthday and I’ll beard if I want to. Well, it might still be somewhere in the world. This week’s K-Tizzle Sizzle is not a sizzle of hate, but rather a sizzle of love. Allow me to explain…

My name is Katie and I’m a mo ho. I have been diagnosed as having folliculaphilia. Although, it’s actually more than that, much more – it’s a full blown facial hair obsession. Moustaches, beards… I love them. I love them all. However, there is one exception to the rule, and that’s the ‘flavour savour’ (think Shannon Noll). What a piss poor excuse for facial hair. What an embarrassment.

Shame. Shame, shame, shame.

They say that admission is the first step in recovery, but quite frankly, I’m not ready to let it go. So back off, haters. Get on board with the beard love. Let it grow.

It all began with some innocent picture mo-ing and beard-ing. I think I look quite fetching, don’t you? 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Over the years I have acquired and been gifted the following hairy merchandise (please take note fellow present givers):

• T-shirts
• Necklaces
• Band-aids
• Calendars
• Cookie cutters
• Posters

It’s not just me. Others are sharing in the beard love. Ke$ha has a tumblr page called “Put Your Beard In My Mouth.” 

Wake up in the morning feeling like a beard... in my mouth.

You can understand my sheer delight when I discovered the musical stylings of The Beards. All of their songs are about beards. Yes, all of them - 3 albums worth:

• The Beards (21st July 2007)
• Beards, Beards, Beards (7th May 2010)
• Having a Beard is the New Not Having a Beard (9th March 2012)

I knew I was in for something special waiting to watch The Beards at The Tivoli a couple of years ago. As I waited in anticipation for my bearded heroes “Eye of the Tiger” blasted through the house speakers. When the familiar “dun… dun, dun, dun” beat of the song kicked in, the crowd began chanting “beards… beards, beards, beards”. I felt all warm and fuzzy as I looked around at all of the beautiful bearded men. And women. It’s okay, I was wearing a beard too.

Here are 3 beard-y songs you will love. And if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you. 

1. No Beard, No Good

“No beard, no good, there’s not enough beards in my neighbourhood”. Truer words have never been spoken. Well, they have. But that’s beside the point. The point is that if you don’t have a beard, you’re no good. And that’s exactly what I once shared with a clean shaven chap who tried to chat me up. He left so fast I got wind burn. Good. Leave. Grow some facial hair and then come and see me.

No beard, no good, no chance.

2. If Your Dad Doesn't Have A Beard, You've Got Two Mums

Well, it seems I have two Mums (errrrrr sorry Dad, errrrr I love you, errrrr Happy Father’s Day).

3. You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man

Considered it considered. More than once. Late at night. Kate Miller-Heidke has...

People, this is a call to arms. Or beards, even. Open your hearts. Open your minds. Ladies, maybe you too should consider having sex with a bearded man. Wouldn’t you like a beard on your mammary glands? Men, a wizard needs a beard. A pirate needs a beard. A hippy needs a beard. And you, you need a beard. But never fear. The bare chins of today are the beards of tomorrow.

Do yourself a favour, go and see The Beards. They’re taking “The 2012 End of The World (for beardless people) Tour” around the country in October through to December. For more information go to: 

P.S. I don’t want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need,
I don’t care for clean-shaven chins,
And especially not joggers with jeans!
So put down the shaving foam,
And go on, let that chin hair grow,
You might think it’s weird,
But all I want for Christmas is beards.
(Sung to the tune of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas”) 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Love it or hate it? Agree or disagree? Let me know what you think!