Wednesday, 24 October 2012

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - You Spin Me Right 'Round...

LMFAO: Ruining the gym since 2011.

You Spin Me Right 'Round...
Baby, Right 'Round
by Katie Langley

I cupcake, therefore I spin. Let me break it down for you. It’s pretty simple really. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m never going to be one of those wafer thin girls. You know, the ones whose thighs don’t touch (it’s just not right!). In my house, we have a saying for those people – “Girlfriend needs a cheeseburger”.


So, in order to counter balance my loves (cupcakes and pastries filled with cheese) I do a spin/RPM class a couple of times a week.

For those unfamiliar with spin/RPM, the basic gist is that you’re working out on a stationary bike while a task master (instructor) makes you regret being there (gets you to increase/decrease the resistance) and you sweat like a pig (glow with happiness) in the process. Oh, and there’s music, really loud music.

I’ve had some colourful instructors over the years whose song selections have kept me laughing and guessing. I think that’s really the only reason I take myself back week after week. That and the thought that maybe I could meet some cycling hunk who would love me, just as I am, boob sweat and all (ladies, and some men, don’t pretend it hasn’t happened to you). A girl can only dream.

We had Gary. Gaz. Or Dickhead, as I preferred to call him. He was quite partial to screaming “words of encouragement” in your face. Hey, Dickhead, step a little closer and I’ll clock you in the head you sweatband wearing wanker.

Now, Gaz fancied himself as a bit of a DJ. Really. He felt the need to introduce every track with song title, artist, and some other titbit of information. “This is Bodyrock from Moby’s 1999 album Play, and I’m a massive douche”. Seriously, Gaz, you’re a gym instructor, not David Guetta, although DJ Gazzz does have a special ring to it. I’m sure he’d have a very successful career at Bracken Ridge’s Rum Jungle (Google it).

DJ Gazzz’s most irritating habit was his inability to pronounce Kanye Wests’ name. Now, I’m sure you’ll all agree that it is pronounced Carn-YAY. Right? Well, not according to Gaz who would refer to him as Cun-YEE. First world problem?

Wednesday evening’s instructor is Mel, a lover of r’n’b. She has been known to encourage the class to crump and do the dougie, and also likes to use the phrase “nek minnut”. “Nek minnut the class added 5 more gears”. It’s not uncommon to hear Chingy’s “Right Thurr” and Cypress Hill’s “(Rap) Superstar”. K-Tizzle likes this.

We’ve had loads of themed classes…

• Doof doof (torture)
• Moby (seriously, this was DJ Gazzz’s doing)
• 80’s (kind of hilarious)

What we haven’t yet had is a heavy metal class. I appreciate that it’s not to everyone’s liking… no, screw you, I’ve had to sit through 45 minutes of dubstep so a little hair twirling and guitar swirling is only fair, wouldn’t you say?


Pro’s of a heavy metal themed spin class

1. Wearing all black. It’s the perfect colour to hide the sweat.
2. Hair twirling will burn extra calories.
3. Being angry will only make people cycle faster.
4. Running eye makeup will only make people look “harder”.

Con’s of a heavy metal themed spin class:

1. Doc Marten’s are not practical cycling footwear.
2. It’s hard to take an instructor seriously when they are wearing black lipstick.

I think that, on balance, the positives clearly out-weigh the negatives.

Had enough of that doof doof? Think that your gym is also playing it a little bit safe? Maybe you haven’t been to a gym because they don’t have something like this as an offering?

Well look, it’s just not going to happen. Sorry if I pumped you up there, but let’s be realistic.

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