Friday, 14 December 2012

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Haterz 'Gon Hate!

Chris Brown. No stars ever.

K-Tizzle Presents:
The Worst Songs of 2012
by Katie Langley

Over the course of the last two weeks Matt, Jo and I have given you our thoughts and ramblings on the best of the best, the crème de la crème of songs for 2012. But, it can’t be all sunshine and lollipops now, can it?
Fellow sizzlers, I feel that I can speak openly and honestly with you. I think that we’ve established the kind of relationship where I can be frank. So let me give it to you…

There have been some truly disgraceful songs released this year. Songs so bad that they could be used as torture techniques. Songs so bad that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Songs so bad that they make your ears bleed. Songs so bad that you start to question humanity.

Do you dig what I’m puttin’ down? Haterz ‘gonna hate, so let’s get right to it.

Exhibit 1
Six Pack
by Gifted But Twisted 

This kid is singing/rapping/auto-tuning about his abs and drinking, despite that the fact that he has more of a half pack, and is quite clearly below the legal drinking age. There is also a serious famous fashion crime being committed (look, there are a few, but let’s just focus on the main issue) - wearing sunglasses indoors. There was no cane or a seeing eye dog, which means that this is a classic case of wankery.

Amusing lyrics from this outrageous excuse for music include:

“What up my name is Izack I'm a straight up g / I party 24/7, 8 days a week”. Um, Izack, I think there’s something wrong with that…

“Cuz she love the way I lean and I let my pants sag / And she lovin' everything cuz I got white boy swag”. You’re wrong. You’re so wrong. She’s doesn’t like it. She’s only staring at you because she thinks you’ve shit your pants and that you’re walking awkwardly to prevent the flow of chocolate rain down your legs.

“I got wine so old that it's ageless”. What? Is this some kind of mind freak? Is Chris Angel behind it? Or maybe Jesus? After all, he’s all about the wine trickery.

Exhibit 2
Hot Problems
by Double Take

Oh. My. God. Is this singing? Do people actually like this? I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face with a dead fish.

Lyrics worthy of mockery include:

“They see my blonde hair, blue eyes and class / But they don't know I have a really big heart”. Girls, it would’ve have been funnier if you just rhymed it with “ass”. There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of extra junk in the trunk.

“Please, don't get me wrong / I know that I am hot”. And so modest!

“Hot girls we have problems too / We're just like you /Except we're hot”. I know, right?

“I got the look / I got the butt / But those things don't make me a slut”. World class alliteration.

Exhibit 3
Forget The World
by Faydee 

This is the song that makes me question humanity, so much so that I have previously dedicated a whole sizzle to it. See what venom I had to spit here: The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Faydee Away

Scratch-your-head lyrics include:

“My phones acting retarded / Yeah yeah fuck my life”. Poor Faydee. That’s a bit of a first world problem, wouldn’t you say? Might be time to head on into Telstra and have it looked at. Or better yet, why don’t you just try switching it off and on?

“I’m gonna party like it’s my 21st”. Really? Like it’s your 21st? C’mon Faydee, I think you could go a little harder than that. What about partying like it’s 21 December 2012 and we’re all about to be eaten by zombies?

“Now throw your fist up”. No. There will be absolutely no fist pumping. No.

“My girlfriend won’t stop calling me / Yeah fuck my life”. You ungrateful prick.

“I’m gonna put my hands up till they hurt / I’m gonna put my fucken hands up till they hurt”. I think what Faydee meant to say is that he’s going to wave his hands in the air like he just don’t care.

Exhibit 4
Rock Star
by Reece Mastin

This song is offensive. Reece sings about wanting to be a rock star, and then becoming (can I use the word allegedly?) a rock star while bopping along with his pop voice, clean hair, and an obnoxious amount of cow bell. Yep. It just screams rock star to me! Well, maybe the cowbell does a little bit, but everything else hurts.
Lyrics to laugh at include:

“If I was Eddie Vedder, oh-oh oh-oh / I'd bet you'd like me better, oh-oh oh-oh”. Reece, your song might be complete and utter shite, but you’re certainly not stupid.

“My roomie sold my Xbox for a 6-pack”. Another six pack reference! What is it with these kids of today?

“So I'm heading to LA with a guitar I can't play”. Hey, you said it, Reece!

“Thank god I learned to play the damn guitar”. Wait, what? That’s a bit of a long bow.

Exhibit 5
Don't Judge Me
by Chris Brown

Oh, Chris. Don’t judge you? I don’t think so. Not even your monster cock can alter my very low opinion of you.

Chloe Papas said it best when reviewing Chris Brown’s album Fortune;


Exhibit 6
Truck Yeah
by Tim McGraw


My personal feeling of this song is that it’s so bad that it’s good. Yes, it’s so corny, and embarrassing. But could it also be just a little bit brilliant? Just a little bit? From now on I’ll be saying “truck yeah!” instead of “fuck yeah!”.

Chuckle worthy lyrics:

“If you like it up loud and you're hillbilly proud”. I think there are some people in Deagon who would very much fall into this category.

“With a little bit of luck I can find me a girl with a truck yeah”. And isn’t that the dream, Tim? Then you can drive around together in your trucks, and maybe one day there will even be a little baby truck and you can be a happy truck family. Yeah. Truck yeah!

“Got a little redneck in your blood / Are you one of us?”. Oh sweet lord, no. Truck no!

Exhibit 7
3 Second Rule
by Lisa Gail Allred

Some people might applaud Lisa for going after her dreams, for reaching for the stars. I am not one of those people. And in fact, I think she needs to reach a little higher. Does this woman have no friends at all? Surely no one in their right mind would actually let their loved one do this. Unless of course Lisa is a complete and utter bitch in which case, right on!

And what the hell is going on in the video clip? I thought she was about to get on her knees and show those cowboys all a good time.

Amusing lyrics include:

“I know sometimes there’s some girls you wanna see / Well that’s when my 3 second rule comes into play / You can only look for 3 seconds then look away”. Look, it’s actually not a bad rule. Kind of like the 10 second rule when it comes to dropping food on the floor – if it’s under 10 seconds it’s perfectly fine to eat.

“Now the rules weren’t made for breakin / But I’m only askin for 3 seconds”. It does seem more than reasonable Lisa, but it’s hard to take you seriously when you sound like a dying family of cats.

Exhibit 8
Uncle Obama
by Sister Deborah 

You need to see the lyrics to understand –

“Uncle obama / I like the size of your banana / Can I give it to my monkey? / It will be so very happy! / Uncle Obama / I like the shape of your banana / Can I give it to my monkey? / It will be so very happy!”
So many euphemisms, so little time.

Exhibit 9
Rooster in my Rari 
by Waka Flocka Flame

Now, I have been known to enjoy a lot of bad music… But this… What is this? What is a rari? Why is there a rooster in it? Is that bad? Is it good? And is there an oompa loompa in the film clip?

WTF lyrics include:

“Rooster in my rari / Rooster in my rari / Rooster in my rari / Ok”. WTF?

“These hoes / we done run through them / Zans we done chewed them / Lames better salute them”. WTF?

“Squad / If it's good / I'm a double-back / Flocka / Desperate needs for them zans / Where my da-da at”. WTF?

Exhibit 10
Instagram That Ho
by Fat Joe ft. Rick Ross and Juicy J  

The title of this song says it all.

Embarrassing lyrics include:

“Instagram these racks (racks)”. Sepia, please. Everything is better in sepia.

“Diamonds all on my Jesus”. Should that be diamonds on my “Jesus”? Is this some kind of male bedazzling?

“Prostitutes don’t charge”. What? I’m no expert on the sex industry, but that doesn’t sound right.

“Instagram that hoe / Instagram that hoe / Instagram that hoe / Instagram that hoe / Wave/ Wave / Wave / Wave / Wave / Wave / Wave / Wave / Instagram that hoe”.

Yeah, Joe, you take her picture but for Christ sake make sure she’s waving at the camera or there will be trouble.

As an added bonus (?), here are Matt and Jo's picks for worst song of 2012...

Matt Bond picks... 

Vegas Girl
by Conor Maynard

Jo Michelmore picks...

Murda Bizness
by Iggy Azalea ft. T.I. 

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