Thursday, 24 January 2013

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - It's My Party, I'll Invite Who I Want To

Courtney Love...the life of the party?

My Hottest 100 Party Is Hotter Than Your Hottest 100 Party
by Jo Michelmore

What are you doing on Saturday? No, it’s not an invitation, I’ve got plans. I was just wondering. Chances are, if you’re Australian, or you’ve lived in Australia, or you know someone Australian or maybe you just know where Australia is and you’ve found yourself on our blog, then you would have heard of the JJJ Hottest 100. (No? Who are you? Welcome, but who are you?) The JJJ Hottest 100 is an interesting countdown, sometimes controversial, sometimes dull, sometimes awesome, sometimes thought provoking (but generally not) and its counted every year as it has been  since 1993.

This means there’s been all sorts of songs involved, 1900 of them to be specific and that’s not even counting the ‘all time’ countdowns. See my maths there? Hot. Anyway, I figure, a lot of people are going to have the traditional hottest 100 party, and with any party, you have to be careful who you invite. No one wants any weird guests hanging around in dark corners and no one wants Mr Boring to show up. You want people who will drag everyone onto the make shift dance floor, or you want someone completely crackers, so you can talk about that amazing party years from now.  If the hottest 100 countdown was a party, which songs would you invite and which ones would you close the door on if they knocked? Let’s see….

Not Invited
Denis Leary - Asshole
 Number 1, 1992

The source of all truth and information, Wikipedia, says this about Dennis Leary’s song;

“The word "asshole" is said at least 28 times….the word "fuck" is said four times and also "piss" is used three times. "Goddamn" is also uttered.”

Um, no one wants assholes at their party. Denis, you’re not invited.

Radiohead - Creep
Number 2, 1992

Even though in combination with Denis Leary’s Asshole, it seems 1992 had a lot of self esteem issues, this song definitely would get an invite, because everyone loves to sing along “but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here” and really, everyone is a bit of a creep every now and then, aren’t they? Every good party needs a good creep.

Not Invited
The Offspring- Pretty Fly For A White Guy
Number 1, 1998

This is the year I stopped thinking the Hottest 100 was a real actual voted countdown. This is the year I decided it had to have been industry pushed and bought and rigged, because I couldn’t accept that the JJJ voting public would possibly vote this song as number one. Oh, how naive I was. Yes, sometimes, people like really crap music and anyone who likes really crap music would not be invited to my party. Offspring? No, you’re not welcome at my party.

Hole - Celebrity Skin
Number 4, 1998


Now this song, this song would be the absolute life of my party. Who wouldn’t invite Courtney and Co. to scream “heeeeeeeey, glad that you could make it” in their lounge room? After they were done screaming that they’d start screaming obscenities at all your guests and the party would become one of those stories told years from now; “Remember that party Courtney went crackers in the backyard?” Yep, this song would be would definitely be invited.

Not Invited
Alex Lloyd - Amazing
Number 1, 2001

The funniest part about this song is that it just wasn’t amazing. It was average. Incredibly average. In fact, I challenge you to remember the last time you played it. You haven’t have you? Not since 2001. Amazing, you’d be that weirdo sitting in the corner, drinking on your own and stealing everyone’s chips. EVERYONE'S chips. You'd probably double dip too. Alex Lloyd, you are not invited.

Basement Jaxx - Where’s your Head At?
Number 4, 2001

Basement Jaxx, I really have no idea where you’ve been or what else you did, so you’d be invited to my party, as that crazy guest; no one really knows where you came from or who invited you and even though you’re stealing everyone else’s drinks, you’re so damn funny and you dance so well everyone likes you anyway.

Not Invited, Ever
Kings Of Leon- Sex On Fire
Number 1, 2008
Kings Of Leon- Use Somebody
Number 3, 2008


Kings Of Leon, no matter how many times you appear in the top 10, you will never be invited to my party. You would be the most boring party guest to have ever been invited, excluding Coldplay. You are responsible for possibly the tackiest and worst rhyme in all modern music; “and you, your sex is on fire, consumed with what's to transpire” which is completely unforgivable. No invite for you.

Invited, Twice
The Presets - Talk Like That
Number 6, 2008
The Presets - This Boy’s In Love
Number 8, 2008


I’d invite either of these songs to my party. They’re so darn catchy, everyone would love them.  They wouldn’t even have to bring anything, just themselves. Any party, any time, The Presets are more than welcome. Yep.

Wherever you are in the world, if you're having a hottest 100 party, I hope only your favourite songs attend. Mine? I'll be happy if 360 and Lana Del Rey don't come, but I just know they're going to try and gatecrash. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Love it or hate it? Agree or disagree? Let me know what you think!