Thursday, 21 February 2013

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Milkshakes and Afternoon Delights

 John Mayer. Is there anything less sexy? Well, surprisngly it seems there could be....

Milkshakes and Afternoon Delights
by Jo Michelmore

Recently, a workmate, let's call her 'Edith' and I were having a conversation about her current state of single-dom. She's been looking for love, or at least a little bit of fun, hell, she just wants something to gossip about and although she's not come up with love, yet, she has had a bit of fun and we've definitley had a gossip and a giggle about her dates. My favourite of all her dating stories involves a guy; let's call him 'Chad', who she'd had a couple of dates with when he invited her back to his place. Chad was hot, Edith was interested, so she went. When Edith got to Chad's place, he made her a drink, things got hot and Chad suggested he'd put on a little music. All good so far. This is when Edith learnt that Chad was to fall into the 'little bit of fun' category as opposed to being a long term relationship. Chad's taste in music, that is, music to prepare oneself for intimate times with another was....Matchbox 20. At this point I'm going to stop my story, except to say that Edith is a better woman than I, a very polite girl for not laughing manically and running from Chad's house in tears of laughter or horror. Which brings me to today's topic. Music that's a turn off. Regular readers will know I talk about the soundtrack of life a lot, but there are some songs you do not want to play in the shuffle function of your ipod at certain times of your life. These may or may not include....

Afternoon Delight (1976)
by Starland Vocal Band


This is one of two songs in the world that makes me simutaneously laugh, cry and vomit a little bit. These are not things one should be doing when one is engaging in any form of delight.

Your Body Is A Wonderland (2002)
by John Mayer


This is the other song.
"One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue"...laugh.
"One thing I've left to do, discover me, discovering you"...cry.
"Your body is a wonder, I'll use my hands, your body is a wonderland"....vomit.

You Can Leave Your Hat On (1976)
by Joe Cocker


Leave your hat on? How is that even meant to work? Any hat is a whole lot of getting in the way. Take it off. Immediatley.

Nookie (1999)
by Limp Bizkit


Is there anything less sexy than Fred Durst? Probably Fred Durst 'singing' the words "I did it all for the nookie....stick it up your....". No Fred, no.

Eye Of The Tiger (1982)
by Survivor


If your afternoon delight is anything like a) an eighties movie b) an eighties movie about boxing or c) an eighties movie about boxing featuring Sylvester Stallone; I'm so sorry. You're doing it wrong.

Milkshakes (2003)
by Kelis


If you are woman sleeping with another woman, 'milkshakes' takes on a whole other meaning. If you are a woman, sleeping with a man, you shouldn't want him referring to any of your anatomy as 'milkshakes'. If you are a man, sleeping with another man and you're thinking 'milkshakes' refers to a milky beverage drunk with a straw from a receptacle; I'm so sorry. You're doing it wrong.

Werewolves Of London (1977)
by Warren Zevon


Unless you're into incredibly hairy partners, werewolves are not a turn on. Neither is the chorus "aaaaaaaaahhhhh oooooooohhhhhh...."

That's Not My Name (2008)
by The Ting Tings


I don't care how random the hook up is, at least know my name. Or the name I made up because I actually never want to see you again after this. Either/or. Just get it right.

Sex On Fire (2008)
by Kings Of Leon


If it's on fire, you may have an infection. Go see a doctor. Now.

Sexual Healing (1982)
by Marvin Gaye


I just told you, if you have an infection, you may need to see a doctor. There will be no sexual healing. Do not do anything, with anyone, until you have that infection seen to.

Push (1997)
by Matchbox Twenty


NEVER put this song on if you're trying to impress Edith. Or me. Or anyone with the remotest amount of taste. She will laugh at you. I will laugh at you. Then I'll write about you and a whole bunch of other people will laugh at you....and don't dump her either and think there'll be no retaliations. Seriously, Matchbox Twenty? Yes, we're laughing at you.

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