Wednesday, 13 February 2013

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Giant Bears and Dancing Doonas...

Happy Valentines Day....maybe?

...Old Biscuits and Disappointment
by Katie Langley

Brace yourself; this might come as a shock. I’m not anti-Valentine’s Day. In fact, I do rather enjoy seeing the excitement on people’s faces when they receive flowers/chocolates/brownies/cookies/cupcakes/balloons/fat-o-grams. Okay, so I’ve never actually seen a fat-o-gram, but I’m hopeful that 2013 is the year!

I’d classify myself as a Valentine’s Day realist. And I can pinpoint the exact moment that reality smacked me in the face. It was February 14, many years ago, and I’d made plans to see Thor* (not his actual name, duh) that evening. Upon his arrival my gift was thrust into my hands. No, it wasn’t his penis. I looked down at what I was holding, and for a brief moment considered that maybe, just maybe the Subway bag was some kind of wrapping paper decoy. Maybe inside was a picture of us together in a fancy frame. Maybe it was one of those pet hermit crabs. Wrong. It was cookies. Before you tell me that I should be so lucky to get cookies on Valentine’s Day, even though they might be of the Subway variety, there’s something else you should know. Thor was a Subway employee, and if he didn’t save the cookies for me then their fate was the bin as they were bordering on stale. Romantic, huh?

This is the one I call “Valentine’s Day according to KTizzle and song” because, let’s face it, it’s not always warm and fuzzy. It’s not always giant bears and dancing doonas.

The Anti-Valentine
People = Shit
by Slipknot

You hate Valentine’s Day. You hate being made to feel like you have to partake in the consumer driven madness. You hate cards. You hate flowers. You hate couples. You hate when they flaunt their happiness in your face. You hate when they kiss and cuddle in public. You hate when they smile at each other with that dopey look in their eyes. You hate it when anyone smiles. You hate smiles. You’re a hater.

“People = Shit!
People = Shit!
People = Shit!
People = Shit!
People=Shit! (Whatcha gunna do?)
People=Shit! ('cause I am not afraid of you.)
People=Shit! (I'm everything you'll never be!)
People=Shit! (Yeah!)”

The Bitter Valentine
 Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)
by Eamon

It’s over. You were together for a while. There were loads of great times. Like that time you had a picnic and ate loads of cheese. You thought you were happy. You thought this was it, this was the one, until you found out about the cheating. You wasted all of that time, energy, and petrol money. And what for? It was years ago, but all you can think about on Valentine’s Day is how you wasted your life on that arsehole, and that tyre slashing seems more than reasonable.

“Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw 'em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back”

The Passive Valentine
Bohemian Like You
by The Dandy Warhols

You’re interested. It’s not serious. You see each other from time to time. You have fun. You laugh. Oh do you laugh. But there’s not commitment, shit no, nothing like that, just the occasional dinner and a lot of sexy time. You might be hangin’ on Valentine’s Day, but you haven’t made any definite plans. Whatever!

“I'm getting wise and
I'm feeling so bohemian like you
It's you that I want, so please
Just a casual, casual easy thing
Is it?
It is for me”

The Lonely Valentine
Them Bones
 by Alice in Chains 


Everyone has a partner, everyone except you. It’s not like you haven’t tried. You’ve put yourself out there. You went on that one date, that one time, at that restaurant with the food and the drinks. Yeah. You really tried. But it failed, and now you’re all alone on Valentine’s Day. And you’re going to die alone, just you and your gold fish Goldie Hawn.

“I feel so alone
Gonna end up a big ol' pile of them bones”

The Frisky Valentine
 Candy Shop
 by 50 Cent 

Those eyes, that body…. Uhhhh! Uhhhh. Yes. Uh uh uh. Mmmmmm. There will definitely be a dancing doona this Valentine’s Day. And the only bears will be of the bearded homosexual variety. Bear force one, oooh ahhh.

“If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
In the hotel or in the back of the rental
On the beach or in the park, it's whatever you into”

You might be wondering how things panned out with Thor. Well, after the Subway cookie incident there was exactly one more year of going steady. Yes. I broke up with him on Valentine’s Day the following year. Ouch!

If, on 14 February, you find yourself thinking “I can’t stand one more day with this idiot, I don’t care if it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m doing it today” my advice to you is to think again, because even after all these years, I find myself thinking of Thor on Valentine’s Day. And those stale cookies. Karma really is a bitch.

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