Thursday, 18 April 2013

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Close Encounters Of The First Kind

 Things to do on a first lego date: remove one's helmet.
Close Encounters Of The First Kind
by Jo Michelmore

Boys and girls, remember when we spoke about my friend Edith, her milkshakes and some afternoon delights? Well, I had the pleasure of catching up with Edith recently and as always, bless her, Edith had another dating disaster story to tell me.

Having lived through the horror of Chad and Matchbox 20, Edith met up with another guy, this time a friend of a friend through the least offensive form of introduction, facebook. Not a dating website, no, she met this guy, let's call him Ron, through facebook. Their first conversation, via the wonders of private messaging, didn't quite go as Edith had planned. She began with a simple question;

"How about a coffee?" to which Ron replied;

"Why aren't there any photos of you in a bikini on facebook?" to which Edith was a little shocked and replied

"LOL", to which Ron replied

"Are you sexual?" Interesting question. Edith responded again in shock, in the simplest and quickest way she knew;


Which might have been a turn off for some, but not Ron. Ron had been facebook stalking Edith for at least a minute by now and he let her know in the strangest way possible, by saying he wanted to do 'something' on Edith's 'somethings'...(you fill in the blanks) followed by various one sentence messages declaring his love for her beauty (and clealrly his own). Edith did not respond, this was facebook after all, not a random hook up app on her phone! The conversation 'climaxed' at Ron saying;

"Yes yes yes" and then, half hour later, one last private message;

"Did you fall asleep on me?"

No Ron, Edith did not. What Edith was doing was hiding in the corner of her lounge, hoping you'd delete yourself from her friend list and pretend this never happened. It got me thinking, you know, there's certain things you just don't want to say on a first encounter, especially if you intend on starting a relationship, rather than just hooking up. Amongst those things are lyrics from some songs from the past, like...

"Mama, just killed a man..."


Yes, Freddie and your Queen friends, that's probably not something you'd want to admit on a first date, let alone a first conversation.

"Let's go down on the sand, let's do what we wanna do, let me be a man for you"


Mondo Rock, there's nothing sexy about that sentence. No one actually likes doing anything on sand, no matter what they say. It's gritty and itchy and horrible. You say that on a first conversation and there will be no second conversation. Creepy.

"I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong to me"


Look, I love this Bangles song at karaoke as much as the next guy, or girl for that matter, but stalker much? Do not admit watching someone sleeping at any stage of a relationship, let alone the first date. That's creepy. Let's not even mention the thought of anything burning....

"Don't touch what you can't grab, end up with two backhands, put anthrax on a tampax, and slap you till you can't stand"

Eminem, ever the charmer, wrote one of my friends favourite lyrics of all time, but possibly something they may not wish to hear on a first encounter. 

"I'd rather be, I'd rather be, I'd rather be....with an animal"


There's plenty of things I'd listen to Eddie Vedder (and some of his Pearl Jam bandmates) say and a lot of things I'd probably accept on a first date, but I'd rather be with an animal is not one of those things.

*Just so you know, Ron deleted Edith as friend from facebook the next day. This, of course meant Edith had enough time to screen capture their conversation and warn all friends, family and associates that Ron is a creep. Ron, you're a creep. 

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