Wednesday, 10 April 2013

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Kylie Minogue Gave Me A Virus

Don't let that innocent smile fool you...

Kylie Minogue Gave Me A Virus
A cautionary tale...
by Katie Langley


I can’t for the life of me remember why, but around this time last year I was Googling Kylie Minogue. Yes. You read that correctly. I don’t know what I was doing, perhaps trying to find out the secrets behind her hot pant booty? Or laughing at dodgy pictures of her as Charlene Mitchell from Neighbours? All I know is, a few clicks later and my computer shat itself. It made a few uncomfortable noises and it all went black. The verdict from my computer savvy pal? “Kylie Minogue has given you a virus”.

Can’t get you out of my head? Can’t get you out of my computer! I thought Kylie was clean and wholesome. I didn’t expect this. I wasn’t mad, just disappointed. Actually, that’s lie – I was fucking mad AND disappointed. But it did get me thinking about my musical disappointments. And I don’t mean my short lived career on the recorder in year 4.

Disappointment #1 – When the Spice Girls broke up

The day that five became none was a sad day indeed. I never had the opportunity to see them live. Although, let’s be honest, how “live” would it really be? Nonetheless, it’s something on my bucket list.

Viva Forever... K-Tizzle will be waiting?

Disappointment #2 – Seeing Mindless Self Indulgence live


I was so excited to see Mindless Self Indulgence at the recent Soundwave Festival but a few songs into their set I decided that I’d much rather go and queue for homemade lemonade than listen to another second of front man Jimmy Urine’s mid song ramblings. As the name suggests he was bitter and really stank.

Disappointment #3 – Hearing Nicki Minaj speak


Nicki Minaj’s songs have a certain quirk factor that’s appealing; however, I strongly believe that simply hearing this idiot speak lowers my IQ.

Disappointment #4 – Atari Teenage Riot cancelling their recent Australian tour


The first time I saw Atari Teenage Riot at a Big Day Out I just wasn’t ready to riot. There are no official rules around rioting, but it shouldn’t be at 12noon in the dead of summer. I jumped at the chance of an evening riot, but was devastated when they cancelled their recent tour due to “unforeseen circumstances” (read: shitty ticket sales).

Disappointment #5 – Rhianna reuniting with Chris Brown


Obviously RiRi and Breezy were anticipating a backlash at their reunion with the release of their track “Nobody’s Business”. And sure, I guess it isn’t really. But c’mon, what are you thinking Rhianna?

As a kid there was nothing worse than having your parents tell you “we’re not mad, just disappointed”. It was almost preferable to be grounded, or have some extra chores, but the disappointment card lasts for a lot longer and lingers in their eyes for days. So Kylie, don’t think I’m letting you off the hook that easily, bitch.
Oh, and a word of advice for anyone Googling her – use protection!

K-Tizzle says: use protection!

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