Saturday, 4 May 2013

The Candy Shop #1

This may or may not be Nayt. It's not, but it would be a dream come true for him. Maybe.

The Candy Shop #1
by Nayt Housman

Is life getting you down? Feeling a bit flat? You need a boost? Let me massage your sugar cravings with my sweet confectionary treats.

Welcome to The Candy Shop!

Cheap Sweets - Madonna

These days Madonna may be more like a moving lump of gristly, dried meat than a sexy, delicious, soft serve ice cream, but that don’t mean she still don’t know how to serve the sauce. So, who better to feature as the Candy Shop opening act than the queen of candy pop herself!

‘Candy Shop’ is like a $5 happy hour, jellybean cocktail. It gets me up off my seat (my seat), I get up onto the dance floor, it gives me something so sweet (so sweet), makes me feel like a cheap wh… What?

Though not released as a single, this live performance might as well be her official video.


Sexy Sweets - Kylie Minogue

She’s been Australia’s sexy, sweetheart girl next door since the 80’s and I like to call her “Princess Mini Madonna Minogue”. Less ‘Nestle’ and more ‘Lindt’, Kylie is top shelf supermarket confectionery. She can turn an average block of chocolate into a (almost) gourmet, finger licking good time.

‘Chocolate’ opens with a gentle crinkle of the foil wrapping, a firm yet equally soft snap, as each square breaks off in my mouth, then the sweet, sweet cacao essence melts on the tongue and becomes one with my body.

The video is exactly how I feel when I’m eating good chocolate; I dance seductively in sexy floaty dresses while little ladies twirl on my hat. Blisssss.


Repeating Sweets - Shanks and Bigfoot

“I’ll have a serve of Shanks and Bigfoot thanks!” You’d be forgiven for thinking this is a menu item in one of those novelty themed restaurants, but no… Shanks and Bigfoot were a one hit wonder duo from the late 90’s whose big hit was so sweet you could taste it for weeks with just one whiff and not a morsel touching your taste buds.

‘Sweet Like Chocolate’ is like when I eat M and M’s; I can’t stop at just one, but after a handful I know they’ll be repeating on me for hours. Chocolate people in a chocolate town doing “chocolate people” in “chocolate town things”? I get it, but it’s creepy. Get your dose of Mylanta ready because this sucker is sure to cause a bad case of heartburn.

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