Wednesday, 8 May 2013

#thektizzlesizzle


Katie's about to scream and shout and let it all out.


#sizzle #itskatiebitch
by Katie Langley


There isn’t a polite way to say this… will.i.am is a wanker. Boom boom pow!



For me, the feeling I get from the Black Eyed Peas front man is akin to accidentally chewing on a piece of aluminium foil. It’s irritating, unpleasant and unwelcome. Every time I see his smug little face a real primal guttural groan builds deep within. No, not ‘50 Shades of Grey’ style. It’s more like ‘50 Ways I Want To Hurt You Including Beating You With a Toaster’.


What is it about this man that makes me face palm? What is it about this man that makes me change the channel quicker than Kim Kardashian’s marriage? What is it about this man that hurts my soul? Well, since you asked…


His nickname


Those strategically placed full stops have a lot to answer for. Look, I understand that Will Smith has nabbed ‘Big Willy’, but there must be something else we can work with? Here’s a crazy thought, what’s wrong with just calling him Will? Is it not cool enough? Not hip enough? Jason Derulo is quite content with using his real name, and isn’t afraid to remind us at every opportunity. You could learn a thing or two from him Will. Say it loud! Say it proud!


He’s a tramp


Will (let’s try it) is whoring himself around to anyone who’ll have him. He’s jumped into bed with Justin Bieber, Britney Spears, Alicia Keys, Chris Brown, Busta Rhymes, and Miley Cyrus. We get it, he knows people. It seems Will has taken Vanilla Ice literally. Less collaborating, please.


No.

His music is rubbish


Will’s attempt at futuristic electronica is piss poor in my opinion, and the fact that he called his latest album ‘#willpower’ is laughable. #daftpunkdoitbetter


He’s an ‘entrepreneur’


I’m wary of anyone who tries to push the ‘entrepreneur’ tag down my throat. Will says he’s all about ‘thinking outside of the box’ and ‘wants to make more than music’. Alright Will, what I’d really like is for you to make me a cheese sandwich and deliver it on the back of a unicorn. #makeithappen #douche


No chickens jackin his style.
 

What I fear I may be suffering from is a classic case of over exposure which is only going to get worse now that ole Will has performed on The Voice (that’s a whole other Sizzle). This can only mean countless television advertisements, radio plugs, and magazine articles. I’ll be keeping my toaster handy.


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