Tuesday, 16 July 2013

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Dear Miley...

...I Have An Achy Breaky Heart
by Katie Langley

Dear Miley Cyrus,

Deep down I think you’re a bit of alright. After all, you’re blessed with the Cyrus gene!

Billy Ray was one of the gems of the 1990’s. So, gem might be an exaggeration. But he rocked that mullet good and proper. “Achy Breaky Heart” is still one of my favourite songs to do at karaoke.


Miley, I need to be honest; I didn’t give you much of a look in during your Hannah Montana days. Too much pink, too much cheese – it wasn’t my thing.

In fact, I must admit, I did overlook you for a long time. Yes, I knew you were doing your thing, and had a few hit singles along the way like “The Climb” and “Party in the U.S.A.” but I always thought you were a bit boring.

 I’m happy to admit that I was wrong. You’re not boring at all.

Getting caught smoking a bong was the best thing to happen to you, in my opinion. You tried to deny it. You tried to tell us that we had it all wrong. You tried to tell us you were just smoking salvia (a legally synthetic herb). But I didn’t believe you. And it didn’t matter. Finally, you seemed human.

Since then you've had a few other public drug incidents. My personal favourite is when your friends presented you with a Bob Marley birthday cake. You were heard saying "you know you're a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin' weed".

Miley, it seems like it's always 4:20 on your watch. But I'm worried about you.

In your latest video clip for "We Can't Stop" you're looking a bit thin. Your thighs are not touching. In my house we have an expression for that level of skinniness and it's "girlfriend needs a cheeseburger".


Miley, give in to your cravings. Give in to the munchies. Girlfriend, you need a cheeseburger. Maybe seven. I have a feeling that once you start you won't stop. You can't stop and you won't stop.


Love Katie

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