Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Shiny Happy People Holding Hands...Not

Shiny Happy People Holding Hands...Not
by Katie Langley

Despite all of Billy Corgan’s rage, he’s still just a rat in a cage. But what if the Smashing Pumpkins front man wasn’t an angsty little nugget? What if he got out of bed every day with a bounce to his step? What if he took up hiking? What if he watched Friends? What if he had hair? What if he took Metamucil and had regular bowel movements? What if Billy Corgan was happy? What would his music sound like? 

I realise this is a difficult concept to grasp, but while listening to the radio the other day I found the answer to this question. If Billy turned that frown upside down his music would sound like Grouplove’s new single “Ways to Go”.


It got me thinking about other grumps in the music business. Would they have achieved the same success had they viewed life with rose coloured glasses? 

Quite frankly, listening to Adele’s music makes me want to die. Well look, maybe one song at a time is okay. But more than that and I’m ready to jump off of a bridge. And I think she is too. Would she have been rolling in the deep if she’d seen a double rainbow? 

The self-described “God of Fuck” has made some serious dosh with his matter-of-fact lyrics. Black is his uniform and he wears eye liner like he’s auditioning for Kung-Fu Panda. But imagine if Marilyn 'Mazza' Manson introduced some colour into his wardrobe and switched to red lipstick instead of black. 

I like to imagine that instead of Cradle Of Filth, there’s a band called 'Cradle of Awesome' in a parallel universe, where lead singer Dani’s favourite things are balloons and lambs (living).  


Chris Martin is an absolute sad sack. Not even getting laid by one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood has improved his mood. But what if it had? Maybe he’d sing about all of the colours, not just yellow. 

There’s no doubt about it – Matt Corby has issues that require tissues. When I hear Matt’s music I’m torn between an overwhelming desire to block my ears or give him a cuddle. Matt, your resolution is to have a Coke and a smile.

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