Wednesday, 21 August 2013

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Dear Jason Derulo

Dear Jason Derulo
by Katie Langley

Dear Jason Derulo,

I’m having a hard time calling you by your first name. You’ll never just be Jason. You’ll always be Jason Derulo. Although, I know your last name is actually spelt Desrouleaux. I see what you’ve done there. You’ve managed to bastardise your own name. I’m not quite sure yet if I love that, or hate it. It doesn’t seem fair that someone with KTizzle as a nickname can judge, so I’ll go with love. Or like.

Look here Jason Derulo, I have to admit that I don’t know too much about you other than the fact that you like to sing your own name at even given opportunity, and you had some kind of sexy time adventures with Lara Bingle. 

Either way man, it’s been a pretty big week for you. Your new single ‘Talk Dirty’ has made it to number one on the ARIA singles chart. Do I like the song? No, not really. And that’s saying something, because my taste is pretty awful, but whatever, your pillows are probably made of money, so like you care. You probably lay in bed, rubbing your naked body with $100 bills, singing “Jason Derulo” while you bring yourself to climax.

Jason Derulo, I may not like ‘Whatcha Say’, ‘In My Head’, ‘Ridin’ Solo’…. Wait, let me start again. Jason Derulo, I may not like any of your music, but there’s no denying that your body is a wonderland.  You broke your neck (not in a Busta Rhymes kind of way), re-evaluated life, and spent your recovery up in the gym working on your fitness.

I hear things are heating up for you in the love department. You recently serenaded your lady, popstar Jordin Sparks, with your song ‘It Girl’. “How sweet!”, I gushed, until I heard that this song is about Lara Bingle. Awkward, much? 

Jason Derulo, I’m not even quite sure why I’m writing to you. You’re fairly inoffensive, maybe on the boring side. You seem to be experiencing success, but in my personal opinion you’re lacking edge. I think you should consider filming one of your $100 bill touchy touchy bedroom sessions and leaking in on the internet.

Lots of love,


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