Tuesday, 8 October 2013

10 and 1 - To Infinity And Beyond


The Sounds of Earth? Probs boring...

Updating The Voyager Golden Record

by Matt Bond




Last week was a week of learning fun things from friends at work and about friends at work. For example, I discovered that one of my colleagues can't handle watching movies set in space. This led to me yelling, "get away from her, you bitch," (the immortal line from Aliens) to no response and an awkward explanation. A couple of nights before, a cooler work friend told me about the unmanned Voyager spacecrafts, that's expected to hit interstellar space in the next couple of years. You're already wondering how this is related to music and/or losing interest and considering heading out to see Sandra Bullock prove that in space someone can hear you scream in the film Gravity, so I'll get to the point of this post. Located on the Voyager 1 and 2 are the Golden Records, or more accurately a collection of phonograph records, which (running with the assumption that alien life forms evolved at the same rate as us and at some stage got around to inventing an old vinyl player) will give an insight to our potential insect overlords extraterrestrial friends on planet Earth. 


Yes, aliens can learn about life on our planet, our languages, our DNA structure (you fools!), our anatomy, a diagram of conception (say what?), the sounds of planet Earth (including rain, thunder and someone laughing like a creep) and of course... music from around the world! Australia is represented by two Aboriginal songs, 'Morning Star' and 'Devil Bird'. Germany goes all classical with Bach's 'Brandenburg Concerto'. From Zaire there is... the Pygmy girls' initiation song. I don't even want to know. And then you've got a selection of blues, jazz and rock and roll from the USA in Chuck Berry's 'Johnny B. Goode', Louis Armstrong's 'Melancholy Blues' and Blind Willie Johnson's 'Dark Was The Night, Cold Was The Ground.' Absent was The Beatles' 'Here Comes The Night', which was blocked by record label EMI, despite The Beatles reportedly approving of its inclusion, because whoever was running EMI at the time must have been a jerk. You can read the full contents of the Voyager Golden Record at the hottest source of accurate information in the world.... Wikipedia


So obviously I want the Golden Record to be updated in some way. This is for several reasons. 1 - Did you see The Avengers? There are alien races that wish to destroy us! When they hear that Golden Record, they will think we are weak. It'll be just like Independence Day, but you don't really think Will Smith can save us, do you? We need to send out some music that will make aliens think we're total badasses. 2 - What if there's another planet out there that's just like Earth? What if they hear the music on the Golden Record and think we're totally lame? I don't want some alternate planet me judging the music of the world that actual me lives on. Screw alternate me (that handsome devil), I want him to be jealous! Keeping those points in mind (until I forget about them) and in the grand tradition of '10 and 1', I offer to you ten tracks that should be beamed to the far reaches of space and beyond to give our intergalactic doppelganger and or/Predator creatures extraterrestrial friends a more accurate idea of what music is really like on planet Earth today.  


THE TEN:


Breathe
by The Prodigy




Many of these come with the caveat that the accompanying music video has to go with the track. Because seriously, sitting through 'Breathe' once might make those War of the Worlds aliens think twice about coming here and sucking out our life force. "Those humans be cray," would be their response to Keith Flint and Maxim's hair, dancing and vocal performance.


Monster
by Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and Bon Iver




What's scarier than Nicki Minaj? I joke. Or do I? 'Monster' is an incredibly cool track and introduces E.T. and Co. to one of the modern dominant music genres - rap. The video could also make potential threats think that we're all vampires or werewolves with lines like, "first things first I eat your brain, then Imma start rockin' gold teeth and fangs," so that's good. I also think it should be included to test if other life forms can feel disappointment because when they arrive here and listen to what Minaj released after this...  


You Oughta Know
by Alanis Morissette




Come to this world and face the wrath of Alanis! Hey, I'm not saying the aliens want to come to this planet and either impregnate the women or get pregnant from the men, but I've seen Species ok. You want them thinking we're emotionally unstable and make for jilted ex-bf's/gf's.


Straight Outta Compton
by N.W.A




So young. So angry... 


Bop 'Til You Drop 
by Rick Springfield




Haha, yeah. Now this is terrible and I know alternate world me is pretty much never going to come visit actual me because the judgement levels are out of this world. But just have a look at that video. If cray-liens (crazy aliens) think we've already been taken over by a superior alien race, maybe they'll just ignore us. Think of this as the ultimate Rick roll. You are welcome planet Earth.


   The Dope Show
by Marilyn Manson



See, now I just feel bad. Because what if it's literally the little dude from E.T. out there wanting to check out friendly planets and then BAM, Marilyn Manson shows up on his monitor singing 'The Dope Show'. It'll give the poor little guy a heart attack! But, if it's those things from Alien that implant themselves inside you and then explode through your ribcage... Yeah. E.T. can suck it.


1000 Sundowns
by Emma Louise




This is another emotional experiment. Do aliens feel sad? Do they love? Do they cry? Can they do all three things at once? Let them listen to '1000 Sundowns' and we'll find out.     


Lux Aeterna
by Clint Mansell




See, I'm not opposed to orchestral music. It just needs to be a bit more epic, you know? I say we give 'em some 'Lux Aeterna' because it is epic... and highly unsettling... and a modern classic.


Telephone
by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce




Ah, the good ole days of LGG. When she was dancing crazy, looking fierce and poisoning people that crossed her and her honey B. Not to mention the music was awesome. You want to mess with this sausage roll chompin' murderess? No you do not. And neither will anyone else out there in the cosmos. 


Come Into My Head
by Kimbra




Yes, I am trying to convince whoever is out there that this world is full of crazy chicks that will kill you. Is that so wrong? At least the music is excellent. 


THE ONE:


Lady Marmalade
by Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Mya and Lil' Kim




Why wouldn't you include 'Lady Marmalade'? Let's see... it's pretty much a siren's mating call for starters. And Xtina's hair? Oh the hair... and the makeup. They'll think she's one of them! Don't get me started on Lil' Kim's cleavage. Aliens are gonna be into this for sure. We don't wanna give them reasons to come here. We want them to stay away! 


Now, feel free to let us know what songs you'd want added to an updated Golden Record. And if you're really keen, what songs shouldn't?! I'll leave you with a statement from US President Jimmy Carter that was included in the Golden Record. I think the release of Star Wars Episode IV the month before might have had something to do with it. 


We cast this message into the cosmos ... Of the 200 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, some – perhaps many – may have inhabited planets and space faring civilizations. If one such civilization intercepts Voyager and can understand these recorded contents, here is our message: We are trying to survive our time so we may live into yours. We hope some day, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of Galactic Civilizations. This record represents our hope and our determination and our goodwill in a vast and awesome universe. 

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