Friday, 29 November 2013

10 and 1 - Go Call The Po-leece, Go Call The Gov-a-nah

10 Britney Songs That Are Better 
Than Anything On Britney Jean
by Matt Bond

Britney Spears put her new album Britney Jean up for streaming at the start of the week. Here's a quick review... meh. Here's an extended review... it's meh-tacular. Sure, there's a couple of club bangerz (with a 'z') here and there, but for the most part, nothing on it holds a candle to pretty much everything else she's done. I mean, I'd rather listen to 'I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman' and a happier alternative to listening to that song is jumping out of a plane without a parachute. I've done a great job of blaming for everything that was wrong with the singles 'Work Bitch' and 'Perfume', so I'll just keep that rolling and say, "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" Back away from the Spears, Mr. am. If that even is your real name. Apparently the album was designed as a concept about the loneliness of life as a pop star. That's exactly what I took from 'Work Bitch' and I'm sure you did too. Lines like, "here comes the smasher, here comes the master, here comes the big beat, big beat to blast ya," are of the psychological depth required to examine such an issue.

Britney Jean is a sea of mediocre EDM, but there was one track on it that made me remember the pop icon 'ole zombie Spears used to be. Guess which song it was? Here's a hint. It's not 'It Should Be Easy' which features none other than (you guessed it), They're making me want to scream an shout and let it all out. And I don't even know what that really means. Let what out? The dogs? I don't know. Anyway, there's that one song right that makes me think HMAS Spears has yet to sail away completely, so that's how we're ending the 10 and 1 for the year. The one is, of course, the only decent thing about Britney Jean. The ten. That's ten tracks that made us forgive things like that VMA performance and Crossroads. So get excited, dear readers for it's classic Britney... bitch. 

The 10:

...Baby One More Time

Oops!... I Did It Again

What I don't get is, if she's an alien, how does she even know the old lady threw it into the ocean at the end? You know what I'm talking about.


I'm A Slave 4 U

Boys (The Co-Ed Remix)



Piece of Me


Till The World Ends


Album: Britney Jean... that new one you're probably not going to buy.

Do you know what's great about this Britney attempt at a torch song? That has NOTHING to do with it. Katy Perry and Sia helped out with words and Diplo was brought in for production duties. That explains why it's slightly interesting, yes? Yes. There's minimal distortion on the vocals, an attempt at lyrical depth and I'm actually finding it easy to pay backhanded compliments. For the next album, love, ditch Mr Boom Boom Pow (them chickens jockin' my style) and shack up with Diplo for awhile. It would be infinitely more interesting than the total package that is Britney Jean. Now, let's go listen to 'Toxic' again. Those were the days, my friend. We thought that they would never end...

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