Thursday, 14 November 2013

10 and 1 - Ke$ha Goes To Dinosaur Land...

Ke$ha... destined for the bright lights of Broadway?

10 New Musical Ideas
Inspired by SPEARS: The Gospel According To Britney
by Matt Bond

Did you hear the one about the musical that would tell the story of Jesus through the songs of Britney Spears? It wasn't a joke. It was a true story, something that actually happened and by all accounts it was pretty good. Personally, I'm already a bigger fan of it than Jesus Christ Superstar. Only days after being informed of the existence of SPEARS: The Gospel According To Britney, I saw that Alanis Morissette was planning a jukebox musical based on her Jagged Little Pill album. Now that is going to be a good 'un. You're in a theatre... the character on stage is singing about going down on you in a theatre. That's going to be all kinds of awkward. Anyway, it got me thinking. What's next? Which pop stars are going to look to musical theatre as a new source of income and what wacky story ideas could they use. If Britney and Jesus could go together I'm thinking some of these just might work. As is the '10 and 1' way to play, I'll leave you with one musical they probably shouldn't look at making. Enjoy! 

THE 10:

The Music: Ke$ha
The Story: The Land Before Time aka Dinosaurs aka Bearded Cavemen

I even came up with the title Ke$ha Goes To Dinosaur Land for this one, which in no way steals from a Jenna Maroney film. Ke$ha would obviously have to play herself for every performance, because no one else could do it justice. The story is pretty simple: Ke$ha gets sent back in time to when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, hooks up with some bearded cave dudes, punches out a T-Rex and parties... all the time. Her timeless single, 'Die Young', could be used as an acoustic ballad lamenting the limited life expectancy of neanderthals. Or something... the party don't start until she walks in! 

The Music: Ice-T
The Story: Law and Order: SVU-sical

How has this not been done already? You've got song titles like 'Cop Killer', 'Killers', 'You Don't Quit', 'I'm Your Pusher', 'Lethal Weapon', 'The Girl Tried To Kill Me' and 'Police Story'. Ice-T's already one of the star's of the show, so there's that. And if they can't get Mariska Hargitay to step up and belt out a tune, just get T's wife Coco to play Detective Olivia Benson. Everyone's a winner! 

The Music: Backstreet Boys
The Story: Something to do with One Direction

It's already much more interesting because you don't have to listen to a single One Direction song. 

The Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Story: The Tudors 

Every single time someone gets executed (and in this story that happens pretty much every ten seconds) the chorus can bust out a little bit of 'Heads Will Roll' - "off, off, off with your head, dance, dance, dance 'til you're dead." You can tie 'Sacrilege' into Henry VIII getting out of his marriage to Catherine of Aragon and young, rebellious Princess Mary can bust a move through the palace as she sings 'Zero'. And do you know what Henry's later life coat of arms had on it? A 'Gold Lion'. That's what. 

The Music: Madonna
The Story: Dracula: Death and Disco

Let me set the scene for you. We're in Transylvania at Count Dracula's creepy castle. Man-servant to the stars, Renfield has just fearfully informed his master that Jonathan Harker has escaped and is on his way back to London to warn everyone of Dracula's existence. You're expecting Dracula to react violently... but what's that? A disco ball emerges from the ceiling and a jubilant Dracula turns around, throws off his cape and screams that they'll be taking a holiday! Madonna's 'Holiday' begins to play, Dracula dances with his vampire brides, Renfield busts out some crazy moves and you have a Tony Award winning musical on your hands. Come at me, producers. 

The Music: Avril Lavigne
The Story: Romeo and Juliet: An Emo Love Story

Romeo's a boy, Juliet's a girl... can I make it anymore obvious? Romeo's a punk, Juliet does ballet... what more can I say? Romeo wanted her, she'd never tell, but secretly Juliet wanted him as well. All of Juliet's friends, stuck up their nose, they had a problem with his baggy clothes. For Romeo was a skater boy and so on and so forth. As much as it pains me to not combine Shakespeare with his modern day equivalent, Ke$ha, the music of Mrs. Nickelback really speaks to this classic love story. And Taylor Swift would just be too obvious... baby, just say yes. 

The Music: Anything written by Sia
The Story: American Idol: The Musical

Art imitating life imitating art, but not. This would be fun. It would be like paying $50 to go see something you could watch for free on the TV. And since Sia has played a part in writing every single song that's ever been popular and thus performed on reality television, they might as well just use her music. It is, however, unlikely that a song performed by Sia will be used. Just the songs she's written for the Guetta's, Rihanna's and Britney's of the world.

The Music: Amy Winehouse
The Story: The Robert Downey Jusical

Now you're thinking that maybe I'm not so crazy... 

The Music: Adele
The Story: The Mortal Kombat-sical

  ... which is a mistake you won't make again. But really, you should have known better after that whole Madonna/Dracula debacle. Want me to set the scene again for you? Sub-Zero sings 'Someone Like You' to Scorpion. Alright, alright, I'll stop.

The Music: Lady Gaga
The Story: Pirates of the Caribbean

Yeah, I've got nothing. But Pirates are huge, Gaga's huge... with their powers combined, they could be the biggest thing in ever. Ever I say! Sword fights on the high seas while everyone's singing 'Poker Face'. Johnny Depp reprising his role as Jack Sparrow. Gaga playing the Kraken or something. If Spider-Man: The Musical can work, this one can too.


The Music: Nicki Minaj
The Story: Barbie's Skanky Sunday

This is the right kind of crazy. It's so crazy, that it might just work! Who am I kidding, this is the worst one yet. Even worse than that Adele/Mortal Kombat one, which I think could really work if you'd just approach it with an open mind. Anyway, we'll spare Barbie having to drop some dope rhymes about having beez in her trap... for now. 

See you all on Broadway! I'm a staaaar, I'm on top.... somebody bring me some haaaaaaam! Shut up, I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock lately and by lately I mean this year.

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