Tuesday, 19 November 2013

The Candy Shop #29

Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
Who’s the brassiest of them all?
by Nayt Housman

It almost seems inevitable that at some stage of ones career in music one will dabble in a little hair colour experimentation. Most women get away with a lot of colour changes with a predictable amount of scrutiny, some good, some bad, but tonight my job is to judge the boys.

Now I’m guilty of MANY bad colour jobs, all of which at the time seemed like the most amazing idea. Of course hindsight is some kind of crushing jerk that never tells you how bad you look until after the phase has passed. So as a man of extensive experience on the matter I find the humble old bleach job to be the most difficult look to pull off successfully. So without further a due who gets it right and who falls on their br-ass?

David Bowie 

Oh what a cute lil imp he was, almost innocent looking. But no, I’m not sold.


Then the 80s happened, and judge all you will but Labyrinth Bowie is something quite special and those “firework” blonde locks BLOW MY MIND! Win for the bottle blonde!

 Billy Idol 

Billy is that really your natural colour? Whatever, just shut up and get in my bed.

 Ummmm after?

As you can see Billy Idol adopter the bleach early and ding dang he stuck with it. I say all the better for it. This king of cheesy punk rock sends prickles through my flesh and makes me fantasize about being in his cradle of love. Call me a fool, but Billy you’ve got me in your sexy web.

 Sanadra Maitreya who was once Terence Trent D’arby 

Ooh girl you look like a cross betwoin Naomi Campbell and Tracy Chapman. I dig it but dude the shoulder pads let you dowwwwwn.


Boy you got some funky (as in “something smells funky in here”) dance moves but I will forgive and forget. Honey pie YOU LOOK FINE! The peroxide has served you well SM-TTD’A.

Kurt Cobain 

Don’t kid youselves, Kurt’s beautiful, messy blonde locks came from a bottle. I must say that he looks a lot more “hobo” pre bleach.



Maybe it’s the blonde that brought Nirvana their success. Did anyone ever think of that? Who care though, the bleach turned Kurt from a hobo into some kind of disheveled, sexual rock god and he never looked back… Well...

Jimmy Barnes 

Oh so suave and natural… Cough.


His career had slumped so what does he do? Dives into the bottle head first and I’m not talking the spirits. I’ve got to say though, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt attracted to old Barnesie. That’s a win for the bleach!

LOL I just had to include THIS. Did you know Jimmy performed at the 1999 Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras? Blue hair? Bleach was just the beginning for his “experimentation”.

Justin Timberlake 
 Before (which actually came after)

Ahem. I would…


It’s pretty obvious that JT was still “finding himself” but dammit boy didn’t you have a mirror or any friends who were honest with you? Never bleach again.

Is it possible the bottle blonde boys all improved but one? JT was already naturally pretty and just looked like a knob with his bleached perm, but the fact that it could make even Jimmy Barnes seem attractive, is somewhat astounding. Now excuse me but I have an appointment with a bottle of peroxide bleach…

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