Wednesday, 28 May 2014

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Keyboard Warriors




TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION...
by Matt Bond


I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm not Katie Langley. And a big gold star for you! Who's a clever boy or gurl? You is! While the one and only K-Tizzle is off working hard for the money, I'll be filling in so we can have a serious conversation about art and love and life and loving life... Ok I'll stop. We're actually going to talk about pretty much the exact opposite of all that. We're going to talk about something that's akin to a sink hole, a time/space vacuum and can make you feel like you've just given yourself a frontal lobotomy. I am of course talking about the YouTube comments section. Cue dramatic music.




The YouTube comments section... the modern day troll bridge. It's a wonderful place, full of keyboard warriors that are ready to go to war at the drop of a hat. While I used to peruse the wise words of these new age poets and want to stab my eyes out, I've now grown to appreciate the art of being an absolute wanker that these guys and gals have mastered. There are countless types of keyboard warriors roaming the internets, but here's some of my new favourites... 




CAPTAIN BACKHAND
 as featured under Miley Cyrus' 'Adore You'




Ah, the 'ole Captain. That keyboard warrior pretending to love errything about the popstar of the moment who leaps to their defense in the comments section. But if you look closely, those compliments they're dishing out are just a little too backhanded for my liking. Miley's hot... she doesn't even care that she has the body of a boy. In your face, Juan!    




The Directioner Who Gets Freaky With Carrots
(While Destroying All The Spoons?)
as featured under One Direction's 'You and I'




This keyboard warrior isn't afraid to put pedal to the metal and my gosh don't you know it! We've got CAPS (!!!) in the first sentence before that fantastic pipe bomb about carrots and spoons is delivered. You go, Eu Chan. I definitely believe it when you say you're not a stalker. Just kidding, I'm with Yasmin. Y'all better run!  




Confucius
as featured under Iggy Azalea's 'Fancy'



Confucius' will confound and astound with their incredible ability to make punctuation disappear. Like magic, but not. If you're ever feeling stupid, just think of our good friend above, Mr Ham. 




Illuminatus!
as featured in every single popular video ever. 
But especially Ke$ha's 'Die Young'



Now these guys have got it going on! Their special power is the ability to determine whether a pop star is secretly a member of the Illuminati, hell bent on corrupting the children. Won't somebody please think of the children? Ke$ha got her troll on, creating the most Illuminati friendly video of all time. And the keyboard warriors turned out in droves! It's not all bad though... for every Sara G there's a Dane Anderson. Dane's direct and to the point. In fact, keyboard warriors like Dane have a category of their own! 




The Wordsmith
 as featured under Lady Gaga's 'Applause'



 A wordsmith has perfected the art of keyboard warrior-age. That carefully worded essay you've just done up? They can dismiss it with no more than a sentence. Sometimes it only takes them one word. Keep a close eye on Gaga's Little Monsters. They know what they're doing. 


Now, run along to YouTube and find some new friends that will make you feel better about yourself, you know, by comparison.
     

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