Wednesday, 14 May 2014

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Mamma Mia

Eddie Vedder - a perfectly good name for a mini human.

Mamma Mia
by Katie Langley

I may be completely unqualified to provide parenting advice, but I am gifted in the art of keeping it real. I’ve found myself fall into a unique sense-check type role with my lovely colleague Elisha who is expecting her first baby (I’ve named it Pancakes – that’s a story for another blog post). She often asks me for advice, to which my first response is always “how the hell should I know?”. Like, for example, when she asked about how you bathe a newborn. My suggestion was and still is a feather duster. Or there was the time when she commented on cost of cute outfits for a continually growing mini human. “Cute outfits”, I said, “you only need a couple of those for public appearances, otherwise when it’s at home I think being naked or wrapped in a bit of old towel would be more than fine”. Am I right, or am I right?

As the bump has grown over the last couple of months I’ve watched other mothers give completely unsolicited advice and share their own horrific experiences (ladies, no one needs to hear you birthing stories). To her credit, Elisha has taken it all in her stride, but has always maintained that she’ll do things her own way. Except naming her baby Eddie Vedder. I think her husband has a problem with that.

Here’s to you, Elisha. May you continue to follow your own path with Pancakes. I mean, shit, if these ladies can do it, then I have every confidence in you. Here, have some more unsolicited advice.

 Courtney Love

Somehow, against the odds, Courtney Love has managed to keep a child alive. And, not only that - an intelligent and thoughtful child! Let’s keep it real here Elisha. If Courtney can do it, so can you. I just won’t mention the part where her daughter took out a restraining order against her.

Gwen Stefani

Daggy tracksuits pants and messy hair? Not for Gwen. Elisha, if you want to continue to glam it up at the park with your funky jewels and heels, then Gwen would totally support you. And look, if you’d like, I’d be happy to pimp out the pram. Actually, maybe that’s a market Xzibit needs to look into it.


If Beyonce has taught us anything it’s that we shouldn’t be unafraid to give children unconventional names. I mean, Jane? Booorrriiinnng. If we’re going with a colour theme then I think Mahogany is where it’s at. Elisha, you shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss Pancakes as a suitable name. I really do think it has a nice ring to it. 


She once told us that her hips didn’t lie, and it seems her husband may soon be the judge of that after Shakira announced she’d like to create her own football team. Elisha, I know that your husband is sports mad – have you considered this as a viable option? Why invest time, effort and money into another team when you could breed your own?

Lily Allen


She once famously called Bob Geldof a c#$t, and although she hasn’t dropped any public c-bombs recently it would still be fair to say that motherhood has not turned Lily Allen into a wallflower. She sent people into a spin with her recent satirical song “Hard Out Here”. Naturally, she came back swinging. Elisha, I’m not saying you should open a Twitter account and sip on the hate-o-rade. Actually wait, I think that’s exactly what I’m saying. Don’t hold back.

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