Wednesday, 19 November 2014

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - Revenge


Carl Simon was right - you're so vain. But yes, this song is about you.


Revenge
by Katie Langley


They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I say that revenge is best served in a stolen bowl. Allow me to explain. Whilst out for dinner over the weekend the waitress fumbled with the drinks tray consequently spilling the entire contents of a red wine glass all over myself and my friend. I’m talking all over – shoes, feet, legs, arms, hand, stomach and hand bag. Thankfully my wardrobe consists mostly of black so the accident was disguised – it would have looked like a murder scene otherwise. My friends beautiful orange dress didn’t fare so well.


Now look, accidents happen. But the way that this waitress reacted was totally unacceptable. She was very nonchalant and most unapologetic. Over the course of the dinner, while I sat drenched and smelling like a winery, I start stewing. Who does this waitress think she is? Should I just clock her in the face? Should I do a runner? I turned to my friend and said “I think we should steal something as revenge”. Without skipping a beat my friend suggested the large bowl on our table which moments earlier had been filled with prawn crackers. “Pass it here, I think my bag is big enough” was my reply.  I was right, it was, and I’m now the proud new owner of a bowl.


 My new bowl, stained doily and all.


I did think about a hate filled song as part of my revenge. But perhaps that is best left to the professionals. I've picked out my favourite revenge songs below and included some speculation (read: blatant lies) on what the songs might be about.


‘Cry Me A River’ – Justin Timberlake


Britney Spears was his sun. She was his earth. But then she cheated on him with some good-for-nothing loser. Justin wasn't going to put up with that bullshit from anyone, but especially not her. After hitting the clubs pretty hard and getting a couple of lap dances he told Britney it was over for good. Naturally she was upset, but Justin felt no remorse. As tears streamed down her cheeks he looked her square in the eyes and said "I hope your tears flow like the Amazon". Allegedly.





‘Don’t Speak’ – No Doubt


Gwen Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal had a beautiful, blissful eight year relationship. But then things started changing. They were slow, subtle changes at first, but she knew things were bad when he started sleeping in the spare room. Gwen couldn't understand what was happening. She took to keeping a diary to record all of her feelings, and sometimes what she had for lunch. During one of her therapeutic diary sessions she stared at the page which said "chicken salad" and "glycerine" - she knew what she had to do. She called Tony, dumped his sorry ass and screamed "don't speak" down the phone before cackling like a witch and hanging up. Allegedly.





‘You Oughta Know' - Alanis Morissette


Alanis and Dave Coulier had a kinky relationship. I mean, you've heard the song, you know what was happening every time they went to the movies. They liked to keep things fresh and spicy, because it's so easy to fall into a routine and become like everyone else. Well, that's what Alanis use to tell David every time they went to the cinema and he said "not tonight, honey". Alanis would drape her arm around him, careful not to spill her frozen Coke, and say "you oughta know this by now". David soon got tired of forking out all of this money for movies and not actually getting to see any of the endings, so he decided to finish the relationship. Allegedly.




‘Smile’ – Lily Allen


It was hard for Lily to smile after her painful breakup. She just sat by herself all day. She was so lost back then, but with a little help from her friends she found the light in the tunnel at the end. She also found satisfaction from pranks - she signed her ex up to a number of spam mailing lists, left dead fish in the gutters at his house, and defecated on his front garden. That really made her smile. Allegedly.




‘Don’t’ – Ed Sheeran


Despite the fact that Ed had released a number of singles he was still not financially stable and found himself share housing with friends. It wasn't an ideal situation because Ed enjoyed his space but he was trapped. What could he do? It was either this or live with his parents. But if he did that he knew his Mum would be nagging at him continually and it would be harder to keep his secret - he'd given up on women and been having an intimate relationship with a blow up doll he named Felicity. He did a good job of keeping Felicity from his housemates, or so he thought. When he walked into his room and saw one of his housemates doing unspeakable things to Felicity he screamed "don't fuck with my love, her heart is so cold" before he deflated her. Allegedly.





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