Wednesday, 11 February 2015

The K-Tizzle Sizzle - What's a Chet Faker?

It's not the Illuminati controlling the music industry...

This hater is gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
by Katie Langley

Just like Slim Shady I’m back, back again. You should definitely tell your friends. Or is that back like the Backstreet Boys… Alright! Whatever. Feel free to insert the tragic 90s lyric of your choosing. The point is this - I took a little hiatus from blog world, but I’m ready to sizzle once more. Hooray! Yes, that’s right; I’m ready to over-share details of my personal life while loosely and ridiculously finding some sort of musical theme. That is, after all, the essence of the K-Tizzle Sizzle. Oh yeah, and pure venom I sometimes like to spit.

I wish I had more of an amazing tale to spin about my absence over the last couple of weeks, but the truth of the matter is I got a little bit (read: a lot) lazy. Actually wait; I have had a bunch of other stuff going on i.e. starting a new job, getting sunburnt knees, objectifying beards (a blog post for another time), trying a new hair colour, discovering the joys of tranny bingo, sweating, and forming a trivia team called Trivia Newton John.

In amongst all of these weird and wonderful adventures there was a little something called the triple j Hottest 100 which took place. You may have heard of it. I spent the day with fellow bloggers Matt and Jo sitting in a pool of my own sweat at the latest hip and happening music venue in Brisvegas wondering if one hour was too long to wait for onion rings (FYI it is, and by the time I was brave enough to move from my chair for fear of having a giant sweat patch on my arse the onion rings had gone). I don’t have too much to say about the final countdown itself other than SNORE, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS, WHAT’S A CHET FAKER, WHY AM I LISTENING TO THIS, and WANK WANK WANK.

I want to talk about what everyone has been talking about: Taylor Swift. You didn’t think I would let this opportunity pass me by, did you? Some might say that the wonderful Matt has already provided readers with an insightful, balanced opinion piece on the topic and no further discussion is required. Some might say that this is old news and I should really get with the program (or the 411, or whatever it is the kids call it). To those people I say, do you know nothing? This is the K-Tizzle Sizzle – I will sizzle on whomever I feel like, whenever I feel like it. A little like R Kelly.

I absolutely love the idea of scamming the Hottest 100 countdown, and having something completely silly and unexpected make it to number one. What I take issue with is the idea that Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” was the song that was going to metaphorically stick it to the hipsters. PUH-LEASE! Look, I’m all for bringing down the mason jar drinking, bread board as plate using morons of this world, but anyone who fell for this has been totally conned. Newsflash people: hipsters love Taytay (urgh, who started that nickname). This was a ruse started by hipsters, for hipsters, in an attempt to get an artist into the countdown who is kind of cool to like.

Riddle me this – if it was all about shoving a giant pie (a kale one, perhaps?) in the face of a hipster, then why not vote for the likes of Justin Bieber? Or Ariana Grande? Or Pitbull? I’ll tell you why, because Taylor Swift is a cutesy-cute polka dot wearing, vintage bicycle riding, cold pressed coffee drinking, man bun loving (hello, Harry Styles) hipster.

Forget about the Illuminati. We’ve got bigger problems on our hands: hipsters.That's what people say, mmm-mmm.

P.S. In a month I might talk about Kanye West and The Grammys. I've got my finger on the pulse.

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